As much as the church is supposed to be grace-filled and welcoming, churches are families. (That’s why congregations are often called “church family.”) You have a rough idea of how service is supposed to go, but just like every family, there are unspoken rules. And you don’t know what they are until you break them. And if you break them you will go to hell.

Well, not quite. But it can feel like it.

We decided to try a Methodist church, partly because it was familiar, and partly because it was a change from where we had been going. I went to a Methodist church when I was a kid, and I have never felt quite as at home at church as I have at that one. Maybe it’s because I was born into it. Or maybe it’s because I was a kid when I went there, and what church doesn’t dote upon children? Regardless, I had a really hard time feeling like I fit in at the next church we went to, and at all subsequent churches I never felt like I had become an essential part of the church family—like I would be missed if I left.

This was particularly true at the last church we went to, which was a big, slick, and evangelical. Matt and I both tried to connect there, but it just didn’t work. At one point, I did feel like I was gaining ground, becoming truly part of the church, but then they changed formats and I lost any ground I had gained.

Having thriving youth and young adult groups is fantastic, but perhaps infusing church leadership with nothing but youthful dreams and schemes isn’t the best way to form a rich faith community. It was tumultuous. In thinking about what we want out of a church, Matt and I realized that we want something a little more stable and a little less commercial (for lack of a better word). We didn’t want to be ignored, forgotten, or left behind at church again.

We went to a Methodist church, which had a service that was much more traditional than I had experienced in a while. There were no projection screens with video of singers raising their hands and furrowing their brows. No coffee shop in the lobby. No church store. Just people who greeted us, introduced themselves by name, and handed us a program. Hymnals in every pew. Yes, pews (!) instead of stadium seating. Scripture reading several paragraphs long, printed right in the program, instead of served up in easily swallowed bits on screen.

Old school? Yes, and refreshing.

But what came as the most surprise to us was the message, titled “Embrace Your Sexuality.” It’s part of a healthy relationships sermon series. And, for once, I heard a church sermon about sexuality that wasn’t the restrictive or prescriptive message I was used to: “Woe to you if you have sex before marriage! But if you’re married, you’d better jump in the sack! (And that means you, wives.)”

I’m not going to re-hash everything he said here, because it wouldn’t do the message justice. But in general, the pastor talked about how the church often embraces two kinds of love and refuses to acknowledge the sacredness of the third. The two it readily embraces are the Greek philia and agape love. That is, the familial, brotherly love and the self-sacrificial love. But the other kind of love, the eros love, is what encompasses romance and sexuality. He talked about how the church often creates this notion that sexuality and spirituality are separate, that sexuality is to be repressed for spirituality to be heightened. Instead, he said, we should recognize our sexuality as an incorporated part of our spiritual self.

On top of this refreshing message, I noticed half way through the service that the couple in front of us was gay. I don’t know why it took me so long to register this, because I was sitting directly behind a man with his arm around another man. But as soon as I realized it, I smiled. I was excited and joyful to be in a house of worship where this kind of acceptance is possible.

It struck me how backwards it is that just a few miles away there is a mega church that is progressive in every sense except its beliefs, and these men would not be welcome there, even if they were greeted with smiles. Yet there, in this traditional service, with hymns and scripture reading, they fit right in.

I think we’re gonna like it there.

Not.

But hopefully we’ll have less.

Truthfully, we learned a lot. Les and Leslie Parrott not only spoke about general relationship dynamics and personality traits, they gave examples of concrete exercises couples could use to strengthen communication and understanding. We’ll share more about what we learned in detail, but let’s concentrate on one thing at a time.

The Parrotts kicked off the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar by dispelling the common myths about marriage.

The number one marriage myth that couples believe going into marriage is “We expect the same things.” The Parrott’s explained that in every marriage, couples enter the relationship with unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are your assumed “code of conduct.” If your spouse were to violate an unspoken rule, your reaction would be “We don’t do it that way.” Unconscious roles are the expectations husbands and wives place on each other’s behavior, based on their idea of what a husband or wife should do. If a wife doesn’t perform the duties a husband expects, it can leave him feeling unloved (and vice versa).

The tricky thing about unspoken rules and unconscious roles is that it’s almost impossible to know what they are until they are violated. And when they are violated, we usually have a very strong reaction, because they are deeply rooted in family tradition.

For example, what happens when you marry someone who adamantly believes the Christmas tree should be adorned with white lights, while you consider it sacrilege to have a tree that isn’t strung with colored lights? Or what happens when you grew up in a home with a handyman father, and suddenly you’re living with a man who doesn’t know the difference between a flat and a Phillips head screwdriver? (Ok, I’m not sure a man like that really exists, but what if?)

These issues may seem small to an outsider, but to someone who has deeply-rooted expectations for their partner’s behavior, these trespasses are upsetting.

Of course, it’s hard to consciously think of expectations that rest in the subconscious, but I don’t think Matt and I have many unspoken rules or subconscious roles. For the most part, we take each other as we are and try not to project expectations based on family history. We want to find what works for us.

But there are certainly some unspoken rules that have been revealed.

Such as the “passenger is co-pilot” rule. When driving somewhere I’ve never been, or when lost, I expect Matt to be able to keep an eye out for signs, read a map, locate where we are and where we’re going, and give timely directions. I try not to need the help, but it puts me at ease to know that if something were to happen, I’ve got a partner by my side who is aware and can help me solve problems. This concern never crossed Matt’s mind, however. He’s happy to spend the length of the trip in conversation, and doesn’t think about whether we missed our exit or were supposed to turn right or left. He rests that responsibility in my hands and pays attention to me instead of the road.

I vaguely remember a car ride when I was lost and exasperated and told Matt (nicely, I’m sure ) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.

I’m sure we’ll encounter more unspoken rules and unconscious roles as our marriage progresses, but hopefully we’ll be able to recognize them, discuss them, and respect each other’s needs and differences.

Mr. Wonderful and I fully intended to have a real Christmas tree this year, though we both agreed it would have to be a diminutive “Charlie Brown” tree, to scale with the size of our apartment. (Fake was out, as we have no room to store it. ) Yet, when our last opportunity to get a tree before Christmas rolled around, my car was already so loaded down with things to take to the apartment that there was no way to squeeze a tree in there too without poking the dogs with needled branches.

We weren’t too disappointed, because we knew we would be spending the days surrounding Christmas with my folks, who have a full-scale tree. And a finely decorated tree it was!

For our wedding reception, we used glass cylinders full of red and white ball ornaments  as decoration for the buffet and fireplace mantle. After the wedding, we had all of these ornaments to use for Christmas.  We left one of the cylinders with my parents, who added the balls to their tree. Matt and I have two of the cylinders on our coffee table, which at least gives the place a bit of a festive air, in lieu of a tree.

Despite the benefits of not having a tree, or enjoying someone else’s, I must say that I am at least a little disappointed we didn’t have a tree of our own for our first Christmas. We received three “Our First Christmas Together” ornaments, which I would have loved to hang up, and there were a few ornaments we got together at Disney World last year that I would have hung up as well.

We may have missed our opportunity to get a tree this year, but next year a tree will be high on our priority list.

What are your feelings toward Christmas trees? Do you insist on real? Do you prefer fake? Tabletop or to the ceiling? White lights or multicolored? Coordinated ornaments or a hodgepodge of family ornaments? Leave a comment and tell me about your tree.

]]> http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2009/12/treeless-in-seattle/feed/ 2