Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
I am going to propose that the Seattle Public Library system be re-named the Seattle Book and Media Lending Lottery.
Before I moved to Seattle, I had never given the library system much thought. Which, I think, is the sign of a sufficiently functioning system. If there was a book or movie I wanted, I could go to my local branch and find it, or simply look it up in the catalog, have it sent to my local branch, and enjoy. Heck, I could even renew materials if I needed to, and have them for weeks, even months on end. Free of charge!
At my first visit to the Seattle Public Library’s online catalog, however, I was confronted with a simple fact and its repercussions: Seattleites read. A brief search through the library’s catalog reveals that there is a waiting list a mile long for practically any item. Upon discovering this, I was as indignant as a tourist slapped in the face with a fish at Pike Place. So Seattleites read. Can’t they accommodate by getting more books? But apparently the budget is in crisis or something. Bah!
So startled was I by the unavailability of library materials that I actually did a live chat with a librarian. (How nice of them to provide a convenient chat box in the catalog so I can complain!)
Me: Surely these hold numbers are not correct. Can there really be 1,593 holds on a movie that hasn’t been released to DVD yet?
Librarian: Yes.
Me: Ok. Well.
I decided to place a hold on something and just see how long it took to get the item. I still haven’t gotten it. But I’m getting closer! Only 1,023 patrons before me!
I will not be deterred. I have actually gotten my hands on some library items in reasonable time, and I continue to place holds on items that I want. In fact, I immediately place a hold on something that I even think I might want, as I can always cancel the hold later. And just think how happy the person behind me in the queue will be when they see they have moved up! I bet it will make their day. Won’t that be great?
Actually, I do keep an eye on the status of my holds, checking the numbers like an anxious gambler clutching a crumpled lotto ticket. I think the library, as long as they are resigned to the current lending situation, could at least make the queue experience more fun by treating it like a game. Now, library holdings are not something to be taken lightly. It’s serious business, I know. But wouldn’t it be more fun if it seemed a little more competitive?
Patrons jockeying for better hold queue positions could sign up for notifications when they reach certain milestones.
Congratulations, you just moved up 12 queue positions!
Or perhaps…
Good news! You will receive this item 23.4 times faster than patron number 592!
And when your item finally becomes available, they could send you an e-card with confetti and music that says
Your wait is over!
Hooray for you!
Maybe if they did that, it would justify the sense of accomplishment I get when I see that I am number 21 in the queue and some poor soul is at the end of the line, number 573.
Booyah!
Now off to the library to pick up a book that just became available. (Mrs. Wonderful FTW!)
Last weekend Matt and I tried out a new church in Seattle. If you’re like me and you’ve done any sort of church search, it always comes with just a little bit of dread.
As much as the church is supposed to be grace-filled and welcoming, churches are families. (That’s why congregations are often called “church family.”) You have a rough idea of how service is supposed to go, but just like every family, there are unspoken rules. And you don’t know what they are until you break them. And if you break them you will go to hell.
Well, not quite. But it can feel like it.
We decided to try a Methodist church, partly because it was familiar, and partly because it was a change from where we had been going. I went to a Methodist church when I was a kid, and I have never felt quite as at home at church as I have at that one. Maybe it’s because I was born into it. Or maybe it’s because I was a kid when I went there, and what church doesn’t dote upon children? Regardless, I had a really hard time feeling like I fit in at the next church we went to, and at all subsequent churches I never felt like I had become an essential part of the church family—like I would be missed if I left.
This was particularly true at the last church we went to, which was a big, slick, and evangelical. Matt and I both tried to connect there, but it just didn’t work. At one point, I did feel like I was gaining ground, becoming truly part of the church, but then they changed formats and I lost any ground I had gained.
Having thriving youth and young adult groups is fantastic, but perhaps infusing church leadership with nothing but youthful dreams and schemes isn’t the best way to form a rich faith community. It was tumultuous. In thinking about what we want out of a church, Matt and I realized that we want something a little more stable and a little less commercial (for lack of a better word). We didn’t want to be ignored, forgotten, or left behind at church again.
We went to a Methodist church, which had a service that was much more traditional than I had experienced in a while. There were no projection screens with video of singers raising their hands and furrowing their brows. No coffee shop in the lobby. No church store. Just people who greeted us, introduced themselves by name, and handed us a program. Hymnals in every pew. Yes, pews (!) instead of stadium seating. Scripture reading several paragraphs long, printed right in the program, instead of served up in easily swallowed bits on screen.
Old school? Yes, and refreshing.
But what came as the most surprise to us was the message, titled “Embrace Your Sexuality.” It’s part of a healthy relationships sermon series. And, for once, I heard a church sermon about sexuality that wasn’t the restrictive or prescriptive message I was used to: “Woe to you if you have sex before marriage! But if you’re married, you’d better jump in the sack! (And that means you, wives.)”
I’m not going to re-hash everything he said here, because it wouldn’t do the message justice. But in general, the pastor talked about how the church often embraces two kinds of love and refuses to acknowledge the sacredness of the third. The two it readily embraces are the Greek philia and agape love. That is, the familial, brotherly love and the self-sacrificial love. But the other kind of love, the eros love, is what encompasses romance and sexuality. He talked about how the church often creates this notion that sexuality and spirituality are separate, that sexuality is to be repressed for spirituality to be heightened. Instead, he said, we should recognize our sexuality as an incorporated part of our spiritual self.
On top of this refreshing message, I noticed half way through the service that the couple in front of us was gay. I don’t know why it took me so long to register this, because I was sitting directly behind a man with his arm around another man. But as soon as I realized it, I smiled. I was excited and joyful to be in a house of worship where this kind of acceptance is possible.
It struck me how backwards it is that just a few miles away there is a mega church that is progressive in every sense except its beliefs, and these men would not be welcome there, even if they were greeted with smiles. Yet there, in this traditional service, with hymns and scripture reading, they fit right in.
Surprising things happen when you open yourself up to them.
Weekend plans were minimal. I was hosting a girls’ night at the apartment Saturday night, and Sunday morning we would try out a new (to us) church. The rest we would improvise.
When I mentioned on Facebook a while back that Matt and I had learned how to make baked chimichangas, my friend Courtney proposed that we have a girls’ night and have chimichangas and margaritas. Sounded like a great time to me, so everyone pitched in for our Mexican-food fiesta.
Matt helped make the chimichangas and then left to get pizza and catch a movie with one of his friends. We popped in a movie and ate from the generous spread. The margaritas only had a teensy bit of tequila in them to ensure safe travel home. Unfortunately, the girls’ couldn’t stay very long because of the hour-long drive back from Seattle.
After all of my friends had gone, I guessed that Matt would still be gone for a couple hours. Bored and somewhat lonely, I wasn’t quite sure what to do. The stillness of the apartment was somewhat eerie. A book couldn’t keep my focus. I wasn’t tired enough to sleep.
I made another margarita. Then I turned on the XBOX and pulled out Fable II.
Matt finished Fable II probably a month ago. While he was playing it, he could hardly be pulled away. When he proudly proclaimed that he had finally bought the castle, I just patted him on the head and said, “That’s nice, dear.”
By the time Matt rolled in the door sometime shortly after midnight, he found me there on the couch, squinting at the screen. If you had asked him before he came home what he thought his wife would be doing, he probably would have guessed that I was doing aerobics naked before he would have ventured that I was drunk and playing Fable II.
I was never the girl that fantasized about what her wedding would be like–until I got married. Now, I get inexplicable joy from looking at wedding magazines, websites, and blogs.
Although I loved our wedding, I came across this article about a groom who surprised his bride with a wedding (yes, you read that right), and I was absolutely jealous. To me, there is nothing more romantic than a well-planned surprise. And when that surprise also happens to be your wedding? Hello, Romeo.
This is quite possibly definitelythe most romantic wedding story I’ve ever heard. I’m willing to bet there is a plethora of women out there who are wondering if this man has brothers. And there is probably an equal number of brides elbowing their grooms.
Yes, we finally made it to the marriage seminar, and now we will never have marital problems.
Not.
But hopefully we’ll have less.
Truthfully, we learned a lot. Les and Leslie Parrott not only spoke about general relationship dynamics and personality traits, they gave examples of concrete exercises couples could use to strengthen communication and understanding. We’ll share more about what we learned in detail, but let’s concentrate on one thing at a time.
The Parrotts kicked off the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar by dispelling the common myths about marriage.
The number one marriage myth that couples believe going into marriage is “We expect the same things.” The Parrott’s explained that in every marriage, couples enter the relationship with unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are your assumed “code of conduct.” If your spouse were to violate an unspoken rule, your reaction would be “We don’t do it that way.” Unconscious roles are the expectations husbands and wives place on each other’s behavior, based on their idea of what a husband or wife should do. If a wife doesn’t perform the duties a husband expects, it can leave him feeling unloved (and vice versa).
The tricky thing about unspoken rules and unconscious roles is that it’s almost impossible to know what they are until they are violated. And when they are violated, we usually have a very strong reaction, because they are deeply rooted in family tradition.
For example, what happens when you marry someone who adamantly believes the Christmas tree should be adorned with white lights, while you consider it sacrilege to have a tree that isn’t strung with colored lights? Or what happens when you grew up in a home with a handyman father, and suddenly you’re living with a man who doesn’t know the difference between a flat and a Phillips head screwdriver? (Ok, I’m not sure a man like that really exists, but what if?)
These issues may seem small to an outsider, but to someone who has deeply-rooted expectations for their partner’s behavior, these trespasses are upsetting.
Of course, it’s hard to consciously think of expectations that rest in the subconscious, but I don’t think Matt and I have many unspoken rules or subconscious roles. For the most part, we take each other as we are and try not to project expectations based on family history. We want to find what works for us.
But there are certainly some unspoken rules that have been revealed.
Such as the “passenger is co-pilot” rule. When driving somewhere I’ve never been, or when lost, I expect Matt to be able to keep an eye out for signs, read a map, locate where we are and where we’re going, and give timely directions. I try not to need the help, but it puts me at ease to know that if something were to happen, I’ve got a partner by my side who is aware and can help me solve problems. This concern never crossed Matt’s mind, however. He’s happy to spend the length of the trip in conversation, and doesn’t think about whether we missed our exit or were supposed to turn right or left. He rests that responsibility in my hands and pays attention to me instead of the road.
I vaguely remember a car ride when I was lost and exasperated and told Matt (nicely, I’m sure ) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.
I’m sure we’ll encounter more unspoken rules and unconscious roles as our marriage progresses, but hopefully we’ll be able to recognize them, discuss them, and respect each other’s needs and differences.
You know, it actually worked out really well that our wedding is the weekend after Thanksgiving weekend. The four-day weekend allowed us to get some rest, as well as get some of the last-minute preparations done for the wedding and our life together.
Part of the weekend was spent putting together some of the final details for the wedding, including helping decorate the church. We’re using a lot of their Christmas decorations in addition to our own decorations. They were kind and cooperative enough to allow us to have some input and didn’t make us feel like we were imposing at all.
After decorating the church, Matt and I made a dash to IKEA and Target to get some necessary furniture for when I move in. After a long, stressful process of trying to put together furniture that was packaged with some wrong parts, I now have a desk for my computer (with extra space for Matt to draw, of course), and an etagere in the bathroom to store all my girly stuff.
I also spent some time organizing the place so that there is room for my belongings. Never underestimate how much space you can save with good organization!
I can’t wait to move in after the wedding and settle into our new home. I’m excited about living in Seattle with my husband, and I’m looking forward to the days to come.
I spent about five hours washing dishes by hand and getting my hands so dry that they resembled tree bark before it dawned on me that this is why rubber gloves were invented. Oh, wait. I thought that was why DISHWASHERS were invented. But our new apartment doesn’t have one. Instead of getting angry, I’m just going to assume that God wants me to learn a lesson in discipline. Thanks, God.
No, really. I am thankful for the new place and all of its quirkiness. Ok, maybe I’m not so thankful that the toilet tank wobbles precariously, or that I hold my breath every time I flush the toilet because the flush is so weak it looks like it might clog from a single sheet of toilet paper. But besides that…
The place is great. I do kind of love that you can tell it was built by the Army Corps of Engineers. (The cabinets are metal and have tons of hooks and hangers and slots to adjust the shelves. ) The hardwood floors are gorgeous. The windows are large and let in a lot of light in the evening. The blinds actually close when you turn the wand. (You had to “rake” them to close them at Matt’s studio.) And perhaps best of all: the location. OH MY GOODNESS. I think we hit the jackpot.
For me, one of the most dismaying things about moving to Seattle was the lack of grass and space around the buildings. Sure, there’s a park here and there, but mostly everything seems so scrunched up that you can hardly breathe. Our apartments were the first ones we came across where there was actually grass all around. Not a half mile away. Not even down the block. All the way around! And get this: there is a PARK ACROSS THE STREET. Including a GARDEN. I might faint from happiness.
I truly can’t imagine a better location for Matt and I to start out. We are itching to start decorating the apartment, which seems so empty with only the furniture from Matt’s studio. We definitely need to go to IKEA soon to get some essentials. A couch and a dresser are at the top of the list. We’ll also need to get another bookshelf to house all of my books. And a coffee table would be great, since we plan on having guests over as much as we can.
In only two months it will be time for me to settle into Seattle. Here’s to a new life…
Matt went walking around Seattle with his friend Dan, looking at apartments. I had texted him the address of apartments I saw a listing for online, so they strolled by. It was the last placed they walked to, and I think Matt knew right away that he had hit the jackpot.
The first thing Matt told me about the place was all of the grass surrounding the buildings. GRASS! Can you believe it? Grass surrounding an apartment building in Seattle! A building that accepts dogs! It’s an oasis in the desert for dog owners.
The office was closed by the time Matt made it there, so he made an appointment for the next weekend. We went up on Friday to view the place. Read the rest of this entry »
My parents forewarned me that there would come a time in the relationship when it would just be easier to get married than live separately. Sure enough, that day came and Mr. Wonderful and I both asked each other, “Why don’t we just get married and move to Seattle?” We had known for a while that we wanted to get married. It was like we were waiting for the cosmos to align just right, and then we realized that we could cast our own stars. So we got engaged. And then we started looking for a place in Seattle. Read the rest of this entry »
) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.