HR: Has marriage changed you?

MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love marriage,” and I said, “No, I think marriage is ridiculous; I think it’s a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being married to my wife — she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but if she ever left me, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to spend your life with one person and not be totally driven crazy.

When I read this, it makes no sense at all to me. Why would you get married if you think marriage is ridiculous? And why do you say it’s so ridiculous if you love it so much? Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, or maybe I’ve just been conditioned to accept marriage as a social norm, but I see nothing weird about marriage. Well, at least nothing that’s any weirder than anything else we do in life.

If you think about anything too long, it becomes weird. Owning pets, for example. That’s kind of weird. Having children is really weird. But they are normal parts of life. What if the conversation had gone something like this:

HR: Has having children changed you?

MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love your kids ,” and I said, “No, I think my kids are ridiculous; I think having kids is a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being a father — my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, but if they ever died, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to live your life for completely dependent people and not be totally driven crazy.

The thing is, it’s only ridiculous to be married or have kids if you hold independence as an ideal, or if you want no-strings-attached love.

The truth is, marriage requires a selflessness that goes against our selfish instincts. When we’re “in love,” selflessness comes easily, but once that “in love” phase fades away, we revert back to our selfish desires. This is the point in which we might start to be driven crazy.

But the fact that marriage requires us to be better people doesn’t make it ridiculous. It just makes it hard.

What do you think? Is marriage weird?

The only reason I did not react to this book with vehement hostility is because I have grown up hearing my parents refer to principles in this book, so I know that it is sometimes applicable. This prevented me from throwing the book across the room every time Gray talked about cave-dwelling Martians with their stupid telescopes spying on the beautiful, but needy Venusians.

I have a general distaste for any philosophy that is based on the differences between men and women. Mainly because I think we generally have more in common than we think, and because it’s possible to discuss communication differences without ascribing them to gender.

When authors try to ascribe certain behaviors to gender, they lose credibility with me. Because what if you say, for example, that Irene likes apples because women like apples, and men like oranges. Then Roger comes along and he likes apples and not oranges? What does that mean for Roger? You can’t say that he likes apples because he’s a woman–he’s not. And you can’t say that he’ll like oranges because he’s a man, because he doesn’t like oranges. So how does your gender argument work now? Wouldn’t it be more useful to simply say that some people like apples and some people like oranges, and some people like both or neither? That’s a truer statement.

In our case, I think Mr. Wonderful and I have some serious apples.

As I read about Gray’s theories that men retreat into their caves and act like rubber bands and such, I kept thinking: Matt is not like this at all. When Matt is under stress or has a problem to solve, he doesn’t become silent and retreat to his cave and come back later. Just the opposite: if there’s something going through his head, I’m going to hear all about it.

In fact, one of the most difficult parts of our relationship was before we were married and we weren’t able to spend as much time together, so most of the time our conversations took place over the phone after he got off work. Inevitably, he had gotten off work late and went straight from “Hello” to telling me all about the stress and frustration of his day. I ended up exhausted and a little depressed after hearing him vent, because there was nothing I could do to help. But I learned that he needed to be able to talk about it to de-stress. I was the only one he felt like he could talk about his troubles with, and he needed my listening ear. Today I’ve gotten more used to just being a sounding board and not taking his venting so personally. And I know that if he’s upset, I just need to get him to talk and eventually he’ll feel better. That not necessarily Venusian, it’s just his communication style.

Overall, if you can see past the gender-specific references in the book, there are some helpful nuggets in there. Matt and I found some of what Gray has to say in the section on motivating the opposite sex helpful. And I hardly disagree with Gray’s suggestions on how to “score points” with women. In general, it’s a book worth giving a shot. Take what you can use, leave the rest.

In general, marital satisfaction starts out high at the wedding, then steadily declines, reaching its lowest point at right about the middle of the couple’s life together: when they have teenagers. Most couples experiencing problems during their kids’ teen years decide to stick it out until the kids are out of the house, and divorce as soon as their kids are off to college. But what’s so tragic about this is that it’s at just about the time when some couples divorce that marital satisfaction generally begins to increase.

From the middle point onward, marital satisfaction keeps increasing, and at the end of life, marital satisfaction is higher than it was on the wedding day.

Les Parrott illustrated why satisfaction is higher by telling a story about a river rafting trip. He and some buddies decided to go river rafting, and didn’t know a thing about it. When surveying their trip options, they chose a trip that included a free barbecue dinner. It wasn’t until they strapped on their helmets that they realized they had chosen one of the most difficult, dangerous trips listed. Throughout the remainder of the trip, as they were plunged underwater and avoided deathly collision with the jagged rocks, all he could think about was getting back to shore. If he could have jumped out of the raft, climbed ashore, and called it quits, he would have. But they were in the middle of the wilderness and that was not an option, so down the river he went.

At the end of the trip, they were fed the barbecue dinner as advertised. After the main course, they gathered around the campfire for–you guessed it–S’MORES! S’mores are scrumptious anytime, but you can imagine how magical they would taste after such a harrowing experience. I think I would be face-down thanking the Lord above!

Sticking through the tough times, trusting the journey, can make the reward at the end feel that much more… well, rewarding.

I know couples get divorced for all sorts of reasons and at all stages of life, but knowing that it’s normal for marital satisfaction to dip and rise depending on life stage will hopefully provide us with some incentive to hang on when the waters get choppy.

]]> http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/dont-divorce-before-you-get-to-the-smores/feed/ 0 http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/sharing-withholds/ http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/sharing-withholds/#comments Wed, 27 Jan 2010 05:47:49 +0000 MrsWonderful http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/?p=325 Continue reading →]]> Let me just start this post by saying that just the word “withhold” makes me uncomfortable.

Why? Because it has two h’s next to each other. What kind of word has two h’s next to each other?

I think this is the closest I come to understanding homophobes.

Moving on…

“Sharing Withholds” is an exercise the Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott introduced to us at the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar. The purpose of the exercise is to increase communication and allow your partner access to thoughts that you have had about him or her in the last 48 hours, but have not shared. These thoughts may be positive or negative, but the exercise works best when you balance any negative withholds with positive ones.

Here’s how to share withholds:

1. Partner 1 asks Partner 2 if he/she would like to share withholds. If it’s a good time, Partner 2 agrees.
2. Partner 1 begins by sharing a positive thought regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
3. Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
4. Partner 1 shares a concern or frustration regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
5. Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
6. Repeat steps 1-5 for Partner 2.
7. Neither partner responds to what their partner has shared (except to say “Thank you”) for 30 minutes after the withhold. If the partners would like to discuss their withholds further after the 30 minutes, they may.

So what does that really look like?

Here’s how Matt and I might share withholds:

Amber: Matt, would you like to share withholds?

Matt: Sure.

Amber: I really appreciate you cooking dinner last night. It was delicious and I enjoyed being able to read while you cooked.

Matt: Thank you.

Amber: I wish you wouldn’t leave your shoes in the middle of the doorway. I tripped on them this morning and almost fell.

Matt: Thank you. I really appreciated you doing the laundry yesterday. I told you I would do it, but it was nice to have it done when I got home.

Amber: Thank you.

Matt: There was some of your hair in the sink this morning. I wish you would clean it out when you’re done in the bathroom.

Amber: Thank you.

THE END.

That was a pretty tame example, but you can see how the structure of this exercise is useful for bringing up more controversial topics. The thirty-minute rule provides the person sharing the withhold with a sense of emotional safety; he or she knows the concern will not be attacked. The time also provides time for tempers to cool, deflecting the immediate self-defense response. After thirty minutes, both parties are in a better position to hold a productive discussion.

This exercise is something I’m glad Matt and I have in our marriage toolkit. There are a lot of times when I think something nice about Matt, but am unable to share it at the moment I think it. And there are times, too, when I may want to bring up something not-so-nice, but I’m not quite sure how or when to do it. I know that Matt feels the same, and I want him to have the opportunity to share what’s on his mind with me .

What do you think about sharing withholds? You don’t have to do it with your husband/wife, either. It works equally well with family members, or even roommates. I dare you to try it and tell me the results!

]]> http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/sharing-withholds/feed/ 1 http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/exposing-unspoken-rules-and-unconscious-roles-in-marriage/ http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/exposing-unspoken-rules-and-unconscious-roles-in-marriage/#comments Tue, 26 Jan 2010 02:59:03 +0000 MrsWonderful http://www.amberlinedesign.com/mrandmrswonderful/?p=317 Continue reading →]]> Yes, we finally made it to the marriage seminar, and now we will never have marital problems.

Not.

But hopefully we’ll have less.

Truthfully, we learned a lot. Les and Leslie Parrott not only spoke about general relationship dynamics and personality traits, they gave examples of concrete exercises couples could use to strengthen communication and understanding. We’ll share more about what we learned in detail, but let’s concentrate on one thing at a time.

The Parrotts kicked off the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar by dispelling the common myths about marriage.

The number one marriage myth that couples believe going into marriage is “We expect the same things.” The Parrott’s explained that in every marriage, couples enter the relationship with unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are your assumed “code of conduct.” If your spouse were to violate an unspoken rule, your reaction would be “We don’t do it that way.” Unconscious roles are the expectations husbands and wives place on each other’s behavior, based on their idea of what a husband or wife should do. If a wife doesn’t perform the duties a husband expects, it can leave him feeling unloved (and vice versa).

The tricky thing about unspoken rules and unconscious roles is that it’s almost impossible to know what they are until they are violated. And when they are violated, we usually have a very strong reaction, because they are deeply rooted in family tradition.

For example, what happens when you marry someone who adamantly believes the Christmas tree should be adorned with white lights, while you consider it sacrilege to have a tree that isn’t strung with colored lights? Or what happens when you grew up in a home with a handyman father, and suddenly you’re living with a man who doesn’t know the difference between a flat and a Phillips head screwdriver? (Ok, I’m not sure a man like that really exists, but what if?)

These issues may seem small to an outsider, but to someone who has deeply-rooted expectations for their partner’s behavior, these trespasses are upsetting.

Of course, it’s hard to consciously think of expectations that rest in the subconscious, but I don’t think Matt and I have many unspoken rules or subconscious roles. For the most part, we take each other as we are and try not to project expectations based on family history. We want to find what works for us.

But there are certainly some unspoken rules that have been revealed.

Such as the “passenger is co-pilot” rule. When driving somewhere I’ve never been, or when lost, I expect Matt to be able to keep an eye out for signs, read a map, locate where we are and where we’re going, and give timely directions. I try not to need the help, but it puts me at ease to know that if something were to happen, I’ve got a partner by my side who is aware and can help me solve problems. This concern never crossed Matt’s mind, however. He’s happy to spend the length of the trip in conversation, and doesn’t think about whether we missed our exit or were supposed to turn right or left. He rests that responsibility in my hands and pays attention to me instead of the road.

I vaguely remember a car ride when I was lost and exasperated and told Matt (nicely, I’m sure ) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.

I’m sure we’ll encounter more unspoken rules and unconscious roles as our marriage progresses, but hopefully we’ll be able to recognize them, discuss them, and respect each other’s needs and differences.

I was mad that he had come home so late , and wondered how much longer he had stayed awake reading. I got ready for the day and tried to shake it off, but unsuccessfully.

Matt was still sleeping when I finished getting ready, and we had ten minutes until we needed to leave if we were to catch the bus. He slowly got up and got ready, while I ate breakfast. At 8:05 I printed off driving directions, because we no longer had time for the bus. We got out the door at about 8:20.

Poor Matt. He was actually in a good mood. I was the one who was stressed out. Ultimately, my anger was rooted in my jealousy of the claim his employer has on his time, but I blamed it on little things. When he asked me what was wrong, I blamed it on having to drive and not knowing the way.

He had the directions in his lap, and when he told me the name of the street to turn onto, I heard him say it was Anderson.

“That was Emerson,” he said, as we flew past the sign.

“I thought you said ‘Anderson’!”

I pulled into a car wash parking lot to turn around and swore when I saw that there was a meridian in the road. “Great,” I muttered. “Now how far do I have to drive before I can turn around?”

“What are you doing? You can’t turn left here,” Matt said.

“I know! I’m not!” I shouted snottily. It was the first time I’ve ever shouted at Matt. I immediately regretted it.

When we finally turned around and headed the right direction again, I apologized unconvincingly. He forgave me unconvincingly.

When we got on campus and got in line for the seminar check-in, my eyes started to well up. I felt foolish for getting so upset, but I had been trying to repress my feelings instead of just acknowledging them and being honest with Matt. It was tiring. And I felt horrible that I had let the situation get the best of me and took out my anger on Matt.

Of course there’s no way to hide my feelings from Matt, and he immediately noticed that something was wrong. I assured him I would be ok. He was so sweet, my heart melted and I began to put the past behind us and focus on the day ahead.

Later that day, at lunch, I shared with him why I had been so upset. It was a relief to be able to talk to him about it at a time when we were both relaxed. I didn’t feel like I could really express my feelings before, because I know he’s not happy with the work situation either, but what can he do? I feared that if I said anything it would be taken as an accusation and would just cause a fight. But not saying anything caused one anyway.

The weekend was a great reminder that I need to state how I feel and not try to keep it bottled up. That way, if there’s any conflict between Matt and I, at least it will be about the real issue, and we can discuss it and move on.

I have a wonderful husband, and I am so thankful.

Our first clue would have been that the authors have no credentials other than the fact that they are “authors, international speakers, and recording artists.” Woop-de-do. Someone has paid them to speak their mind. What gives them the authority to write a book giving marriage advice?

Their lack of credentials became clear as we read the book and realized that they only referenced their own marriage when they gave examples (unless it was to harp on other couples’ failings). This is a book about their marriage (and how it is so much better than that of their friends and fellow church-goers).  This became a rather aggravating feature of the book for Matt and I, because we are very different from the Ludys. We simply could not relate to them, and could find no credible reason why we should listen to them.

The foundational principles of the book are good. Marriage should be about more than trying not to get a divorce. Being like Christ will improve your marriage. Marriage requires diligence, commitment, and selflessness. We don’t argue with that.

I think the problem lies in the fact that they take their own experience and turn it into a prescription for other couples. The Ludys believe that “God wrote their love story,” and because they did everything as God would want them to, other couples should do it that way as well. In the Ludys’ worldview, there is little to no wiggle room for individuality or deviations from the Ludys principles. They are following God, therefore they must have THE right way of doing things.

Try as we might, we just couldn’t relate to the authors.  And we get the feeling that they would think we are barbarians. They’re so concerned with maintaining “dignity” and the “feminine mystique” in marriage, that this couple even has separate bathrooms, and recommends that for other couples! They believe God frowns upon you when you fart or burp in front of your partner. Also, you should keep yourself looking good for your partner at all times, so that they always get the best of you.

Matt and I don’t operate that way.  We believe a couple who can burp, fart, scratch and (gasp!) even pee in front of each other while maintaining steadfast love and respect for one another has much deeper intimacy than a couple who cannot. We’re not slovenly, but we’re not afraid to embrace each other’s humanness. Of course, I’m not going to say that couples should go out of their way to do these things in front of their spouses. But if you’re going to commit to living with someone for the rest of your life, you should be allowed the freedom to have natural unguarded moments without fear of judgment or resentment from your spouse.

The book was also disappointing because the title belied the content. Though they titled the book after a specific period of time, and even had a calendar on the cover, there was only one paragraph that related to the specific number of days in the title. It simply explained that 90 days was a formative period of time. There was no schematic for how to navigate the days, weeks, months. No day-by-day devotional. No week-by-week theme. It is as though they were just searching for a title that hadn’t been used before, and they thought that sounded good enough.

Overall, Matt and I were disappointed with the book, and didn’t feel like we got anything out of it. It’s not that the book didn’t have anything to say that we didn’t agree with, it’s just that the things it did say were so obvious that they made no impact.

We’ve already started reading next month’s book, and it’s a breath of fresh air. We’re reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, and it’s WONDERFUL.

]]> http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/monthone/feed/ 4 http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/our-first-dance/ http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/our-first-dance/#comments Sat, 02 Jan 2010 19:42:07 +0000 MrsWonderful http://www.amberlinedesign.com/mrandmrswonderful/?p=283 Continue reading →]]> I love the old big band swing and romantic crooners from the 1930s to ’50s.  I can think of nothing more romantic than dancing to these classics  in front of a glowing fire, and I knew I wanted to do this at our wedding reception. There was only one small problem: I didn’t know a thing about dancing. Neither did Matt.

Lessons were kind of out of the question, because Matt was still living in Tacoma at the beginning of our engagement, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to get home anywhere from 9:00-11:00 at night. Weekends were consumed with running errands and getting things done that we couldn’t get done during the week, or just plain sleeping in and recovering from the week.  So how were we going to learn how to dance?

Via DVD, of course. We purchased Shaun Trautman’s “Dance Lessons 101: The Basics and Beyond”.  It includes basic instruction on various dance styles, including the most important to us: waltz and swing. We figured those were the two dances we were most likely to do.

It was a learning experience, that’s for sure, but I’m not sure if we learned more about dancing or how to work through frustration as a team.

I didn’t find it too difficult to pick up the steps and learn the moves, but it didn’t come to Matt as easily. He would try the steps, but would get flustered and frustrated when it didn’t go as smoothly as it did for the dancers on-screen. I tried to help him by occasionally taking the lead, which of course ended up with us bumping into each other and  looking about as graceful as marionettes.

There were several points during our lessons where Matt simply declared that he could not do a particular move, which I refused to accept. These were not particularly difficult moves, mind you. I wasn’t asking him to toss me over his head, or pull one of these:

It was a simple quick step, and I knew he could do it, even with his bum knee.  Matt got frustrated, but I made him keep trying. And, what do you know, he eventually got it! Then it was on to the next step, where we repeated the cycle while practicing turns.

We didn’t have as much success with turns. Matt thought too much about where to place his feet, got anxious about when to start the turn, and forced the turn to happen. I could tell he was trying very hard. Too hard. He wasn’t relaxing and listening to the music. He ended up placing his feet in the wrong places at the wrong time and it felt completely wrong.

Yet, I still held out hope that, with practice, we might be able to do some basic dancing (with turns) at our reception. I didn’t want to just blandly weeble wobble back and forth. I wanted to actually dance with my husband.

In the few days leading up to the wedding, we practiced. And got nowhere. We had gone weeks without practicing, caught up in other things that needed to be done, and we were in the same rut as before. Matt was still trying too hard, I was still trying to take the lead. I gave up hope of the perfect first dance, and embraced the reality that we were just going to try the best we could. No matter what it looked like, we would have fun and enjoy each other.

A little bit of magic happened as Matt and I walked onto the dance floor for our first dance as husband and wife. We looked at each other with huge smiles and began dancing, and Matt’s countenance was different from when we practiced dancing at home. He was relaxed. Before I knew it, we made an effortless turn. And another. And another!

I looked proudly on the face of my new husband, so thankful for everything that he is, and everything that we are as a couple. We feel like kids when we’re together: unselfconscious, gleeful and giggly, ready to go on adventures and explore the world. We go together like a wink and a smile.

A&M dance HD from Doug Hanson on Vimeo.

I was thinking about Matt and how much I love him the other day, and I realized that I shouldn’t stop making those lists. So here are five reasons I fall in love with my husband every day.

1. He never shies away from saying something loving. One of the things that I loved about Matt very early after meeting him was that he has never been afraid to let me know how much he cares about me. He never tires of telling me that he loves me. He’ll tell me I’m beautiful, even if he’s said it in the last day, or the last hour, or even the last minute for that matter. Even if I’m wearing sweats. Even if I just woke up. He always has a kind thing to say, and he can’t say it often enough. I appreciate it every time.
2. He uses pet names. He’s not too macho to call me by pet names, and he’s given me many. I love them because they’re playful and they reveal the tenderness he has toward me. Also, he would never use them on anyone else, so they remind me of the special bond we have.
3. He takes care of the dogs at night. The other night our dog had an upset stomach and woke up at 3:00 a.m. barking at the bedroom door. Neither of us was sure what was going on, but Matt took her outside immediately. When that didn’t satisfy her, he sat out in the living room with her, trying to feed her something. When she wouldn’t eat, he sat on the couch with her for a while. He earns major love points for taking the initiative and caring for the dogs at night so I don’t have to get out of bed and go out in the dark.
4. He does the laundry. I’ve never understood why men can’t do the laundry. It’s using a machine, for heaven’s sake. It means a lot to me that Matt is willing to lug the laundry to the basement (and down that long, creepy hall to the laundry room), especially at night.
5. When I’m around he is attentive to me first. When Matt comes home from a long day at work (and they’re all long days), he doesn’t automatically turn on the XBOX or go look in the fridge. He greets me and asks me what I’m up to. He shows me that he’s interested in spending quality time with me. Last night I was on the computer and he was playing Fable II, and when I sat down on the couch he went to turn off the XBOX. I hadn’t asked  him to do that, and I let him keep playing, but it showed me that he puts me before video games.

These are just five of the many things that make Matt my Mr. Wonderful.

EDIT ADD:

6. Chocolate. I ask him to stop by the grocery store on his way home and he not only does it, but brings back a couple of Seattle chocolate bars as well. This man speaks my love language!

I have always loved concerts. I still remember how I felt the first time I went to a concert as a teenager (which was also at the Tacoma Dome). I looked around the arena at the thousands of people, gathered from different places, all with their separate lives and stories, and felt connected to something larger. No matter where we were earlier in the day, we were all there at that moment with the same music pulsing through us. It was one of those awe-inspiring moments when you are privileged with a different perspective of yourself and those around you.

Ever since, I have been almost addicted to concerts. I love their energy. The suspense and excitement that hangs in the air with the smoky fog before a show. The levity. The unity. It’s hard to replicate.

I’ve had the chance to go backstage before, during, and after concerts several times before, and I think this has spoiled me. It’s difficult for me to go to a show now and not have a front row seat or be allowed backstage. I want to be close to the energy, to have a part in creating it, even if in a small way. I like to see the forces driving the event. The thousands of little pieces that fall into place to make one show run smoothly. I want to be in on the action.

So I will admit I was a little disheartened when Matt and I logged on to Ticketmaster to buy tickets for the show the day they came on sale and the best available seats were in the very back row. I don’t think I’ve ever been that far back before, and I wasn’t quite sure how much I would be able to enjoy the show at that distance.

Matt and I arrived at the concert nearly two hours before it started. I remembered my parents saying how crazy the Dome was when they went to a concert there, so I figured it would be good to allow plenty of time. When we walked in, the place was empty. We grabbed some snacks, found our seats, and just hung out together before the show.

It may seem ridiculous to spend that much time just sitting around, but I enjoyed it. It actually meant a lot to me to have that quiet time with Matt to just sit and chat. It often takes me a while to transition from one activity to the next–usually my head is still focused on previous events or things I think I should be doing. Getting there early gave me enough time to get excited and focused on what we were doing in the moment.

Maybe that was why I was so loosened up by the time the concert started. I can’t remember the last time I was so relaxed and had such a good time at a concert. The fact that our seats were all the way in the back? Didn’t matter. Actually, I think it helped. With hardly anyone behind us, I could focus on what was in front of me. And who was beside me.

In “Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts” by Les and Leslie Parrott, they claim that shared activity is a big way that men bond.  But I don’t think the bonding benefits of shared activity are limited to men. I enjoy it, too. Every time we do something together we are “making memories of us” (to aptly quote a Keith Urban song). I still look back at the times we have cooked, traveled, or danced together and feel so connected to Matt.

Standing at the back of the arena, my sense of connectedness came from my proximity to Matt, not the stage. As we sang, danced, cuddled, and clapped, we created a memory that will always draw us closer. And looking around the arena gave me a clear picture: out of a pool of thousands, millions of people, we found each other. We were meant to be together, and we always will be.