Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
Matt Damon recently shared his feelings about marriage with Hollywood Reporter.
HR: Has marriage changed you?
MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love marriage,” and I said, “No, I think marriage is ridiculous; I think it’s a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being married to my wife — she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but if she ever left me, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to spend your life with one person and not be totally driven crazy.
When I read this, it makes no sense at all to me. Why would you get married if you think marriage is ridiculous? And why do you say it’s so ridiculous if you love it so much? Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, or maybe I’ve just been conditioned to accept marriage as a social norm, but I see nothing weird about marriage. Well, at least nothing that’s any weirder than anything else we do in life.
If you think about anything too long, it becomes weird. Owning pets, for example. That’s kind of weird. Having children is really weird. But they are normal parts of life. What if the conversation had gone something like this:
HR: Has having children changed you?
MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love your kids ,” and I said, “No, I think my kids are ridiculous; I think having kids is a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being a father — my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, but if they ever died, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to live your life for completely dependent people and not be totally driven crazy.
The thing is, it’s only ridiculous to be married or have kids if you hold independence as an ideal, or if you want no-strings-attached love.
The truth is, marriage requires a selflessness that goes against our selfish instincts. When we’re “in love,” selflessness comes easily, but once that “in love” phase fades away, we revert back to our selfish desires. This is the point in which we might start to be driven crazy.
But the fact that marriage requires us to be better people doesn’t make it ridiculous. It just makes it hard.
How could we read a dozen marriage books and not include this one? If you were breathing in the 90′s, you’ve heard of this book.
The only reason I did not react to this book with vehement hostility is because I have grown up hearing my parents refer to principles in this book, so I know that it is sometimes applicable. This prevented me from throwing the book across the room every time Gray talked about cave-dwelling Martians with their stupid telescopes spying on the beautiful, but needy Venusians.
I have a general distaste for any philosophy that is based on the differences between men and women. Mainly because I think we generally have more in common than we think, and because it’s possible to discuss communication differences without ascribing them to gender.
When authors try to ascribe certain behaviors to gender, they lose credibility with me. Because what if you say, for example, that Irene likes apples because women like apples, and men like oranges. Then Roger comes along and he likes apples and not oranges? What does that mean for Roger? You can’t say that he likes apples because he’s a woman–he’s not. And you can’t say that he’ll like oranges because he’s a man, because he doesn’t like oranges. So how does your gender argument work now? Wouldn’t it be more useful to simply say that some people like apples and some people like oranges, and some people like both or neither? That’s a truer statement.
In our case, I think Mr. Wonderful and I have some serious apples.
As I read about Gray’s theories that men retreat into their caves and act like rubber bands and such, I kept thinking: Matt is not like this at all. When Matt is under stress or has a problem to solve, he doesn’t become silent and retreat to his cave and come back later. Just the opposite: if there’s something going through his head, I’m going to hear all about it.
In fact, one of the most difficult parts of our relationship was before we were married and we weren’t able to spend as much time together, so most of the time our conversations took place over the phone after he got off work. Inevitably, he had gotten off work late and went straight from “Hello” to telling me all about the stress and frustration of his day. I ended up exhausted and a little depressed after hearing him vent, because there was nothing I could do to help. But I learned that he needed to be able to talk about it to de-stress. I was the only one he felt like he could talk about his troubles with, and he needed my listening ear. Today I’ve gotten more used to just being a sounding board and not taking his venting so personally. And I know that if he’s upset, I just need to get him to talk and eventually he’ll feel better. That not necessarily Venusian, it’s just his communication style.
Overall, if you can see past the gender-specific references in the book, there are some helpful nuggets in there. Matt and I found some of what Gray has to say in the section on motivating the opposite sex helpful. And I hardly disagree with Gray’s suggestions on how to “score points” with women. In general, it’s a book worth giving a shot. Take what you can use, leave the rest.
It’s no surprise that marital satisfaction does not remain at the same level throughout the lifetime of a marriage. But Matt and I were surprised to learn that most couples divorce just when their marital satisfaction is about to increase.
In general, marital satisfaction starts out high at the wedding, then steadily declines, reaching its lowest point at right about the middle of the couple’s life together: when they have teenagers. Most couples experiencing problems during their kids’ teen years decide to stick it out until the kids are out of the house, and divorce as soon as their kids are off to college. But what’s so tragic about this is that it’s at just about the time when some couples divorce that marital satisfaction generally begins to increase.
From the middle point onward, marital satisfaction keeps increasing, and at the end of life, marital satisfaction is higher than it was on the wedding day.
Les Parrott illustrated why satisfaction is higher by telling a story about a river rafting trip. He and some buddies decided to go river rafting, and didn’t know a thing about it. When surveying their trip options, they chose a trip that included a free barbecue dinner. It wasn’t until they strapped on their helmets that they realized they had chosen one of the most difficult, dangerous trips listed. Throughout the remainder of the trip, as they were plunged underwater and avoided deathly collision with the jagged rocks, all he could think about was getting back to shore. If he could have jumped out of the raft, climbed ashore, and called it quits, he would have. But they were in the middle of the wilderness and that was not an option, so down the river he went.
At the end of the trip, they were fed the barbecue dinner as advertised. After the main course, they gathered around the campfire for–you guessed it–S’MORES! S’mores are scrumptious anytime, but you can imagine how magical they would taste after such a harrowing experience. I think I would be face-down thanking the Lord above!
Sticking through the tough times, trusting the journey, can make the reward at the end feel that much more… well, rewarding.
I know couples get divorced for all sorts of reasons and at all stages of life, but knowing that it’s normal for marital satisfaction to dip and rise depending on life stage will hopefully provide us with some incentive to hang on when the waters get choppy.
Let me just start this post by saying that just the word “withhold” makes me uncomfortable.
Why? Because it has two h’s next to each other. What kind of word has two h’s next to each other?
I think this is the closest I come to understanding homophobes.
Moving on…
“Sharing Withholds” is an exercise the Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott introduced to us at the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar. The purpose of the exercise is to increase communication and allow your partner access to thoughts that you have had about him or her in the last 48 hours, but have not shared. These thoughts may be positive or negative, but the exercise works best when you balance any negative withholds with positive ones.
Here’s how to share withholds:
Partner 1 asks Partner 2 if he/she would like to share withholds. If it’s a good time, Partner 2 agrees.
Partner 1 begins by sharing a positive thought regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
Partner 1 shares a concern or frustration regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
Repeat steps 1-5 for Partner 2.
Neither partner responds to what their partner has shared (except to say “Thank you”) for 30 minutes after the withhold. If the partners would like to discuss their withholds further after the 30 minutes, they may.
So what does that really look like?
Here’s how Matt and I might share withholds:
Amber: Matt, would you like to share withholds?
Matt: Sure.
Amber: I really appreciate you cooking dinner last night. It was delicious and I enjoyed being able to read while you cooked.
Matt: Thank you.
Amber: I wish you wouldn’t leave your shoes in the middle of the doorway. I tripped on them this morning and almost fell.
Matt: Thank you. I really appreciated you doing the laundry yesterday. I told you I would do it, but it was nice to have it done when I got home.
Amber: Thank you.
Matt: There was some of your hair in the sink this morning. I wish you would clean it out when you’re done in the bathroom.
Amber: Thank you.
THE END.
That was a pretty tame example, but you can see how the structure of this exercise is useful for bringing up more controversial topics. The thirty-minute rule provides the person sharing the withhold with a sense of emotional safety; he or she knows the concern will not be attacked. The time also provides time for tempers to cool, deflecting the immediate self-defense response. After thirty minutes, both parties are in a better position to hold a productive discussion.
This exercise is something I’m glad Matt and I have in our marriage toolkit. There are a lot of times when I think something nice about Matt, but am unable to share it at the moment I think it. And there are times, too, when I may want to bring up something not-so-nice, but I’m not quite sure how or when to do it. I know that Matt feels the same, and I want him to have the opportunity to share what’s on his mind with me .
What do you think about sharing withholds? You don’t have to do it with your husband/wife, either. It works equally well with family members, or even roommates. I dare you to try it and tell me the results!
Yes, we finally made it to the marriage seminar, and now we will never have marital problems.
Not.
But hopefully we’ll have less.
Truthfully, we learned a lot. Les and Leslie Parrott not only spoke about general relationship dynamics and personality traits, they gave examples of concrete exercises couples could use to strengthen communication and understanding. We’ll share more about what we learned in detail, but let’s concentrate on one thing at a time.
The Parrotts kicked off the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar by dispelling the common myths about marriage.
The number one marriage myth that couples believe going into marriage is “We expect the same things.” The Parrott’s explained that in every marriage, couples enter the relationship with unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are your assumed “code of conduct.” If your spouse were to violate an unspoken rule, your reaction would be “We don’t do it that way.” Unconscious roles are the expectations husbands and wives place on each other’s behavior, based on their idea of what a husband or wife should do. If a wife doesn’t perform the duties a husband expects, it can leave him feeling unloved (and vice versa).
The tricky thing about unspoken rules and unconscious roles is that it’s almost impossible to know what they are until they are violated. And when they are violated, we usually have a very strong reaction, because they are deeply rooted in family tradition.
For example, what happens when you marry someone who adamantly believes the Christmas tree should be adorned with white lights, while you consider it sacrilege to have a tree that isn’t strung with colored lights? Or what happens when you grew up in a home with a handyman father, and suddenly you’re living with a man who doesn’t know the difference between a flat and a Phillips head screwdriver? (Ok, I’m not sure a man like that really exists, but what if?)
These issues may seem small to an outsider, but to someone who has deeply-rooted expectations for their partner’s behavior, these trespasses are upsetting.
Of course, it’s hard to consciously think of expectations that rest in the subconscious, but I don’t think Matt and I have many unspoken rules or subconscious roles. For the most part, we take each other as we are and try not to project expectations based on family history. We want to find what works for us.
But there are certainly some unspoken rules that have been revealed.
Such as the “passenger is co-pilot” rule. When driving somewhere I’ve never been, or when lost, I expect Matt to be able to keep an eye out for signs, read a map, locate where we are and where we’re going, and give timely directions. I try not to need the help, but it puts me at ease to know that if something were to happen, I’ve got a partner by my side who is aware and can help me solve problems. This concern never crossed Matt’s mind, however. He’s happy to spend the length of the trip in conversation, and doesn’t think about whether we missed our exit or were supposed to turn right or left. He rests that responsibility in my hands and pays attention to me instead of the road.
I vaguely remember a car ride when I was lost and exasperated and told Matt (nicely, I’m sure ) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.
I’m sure we’ll encounter more unspoken rules and unconscious roles as our marriage progresses, but hopefully we’ll be able to recognize them, discuss them, and respect each other’s needs and differences.
I walked across the living room to the kitchen to get the dogs breakfast and saw Matt on the couch, sleeping with a Batman book.
I was mad that he had come home so late , and wondered how much longer he had stayed awake reading. I got ready for the day and tried to shake it off, but unsuccessfully.
Matt was still sleeping when I finished getting ready, and we had ten minutes until we needed to leave if we were to catch the bus. He slowly got up and got ready, while I ate breakfast. At 8:05 I printed off driving directions, because we no longer had time for the bus. We got out the door at about 8:20.
Poor Matt. He was actually in a good mood. I was the one who was stressed out. Ultimately, my anger was rooted in my jealousy of the claim his employer has on his time, but I blamed it on little things. When he asked me what was wrong, I blamed it on having to drive and not knowing the way. Read the rest of this entry »
When Mr. Wonderful and I began selecting marriage books to read in our first year of marriage, we didn’t have many scruples about what books we would select. We just went to Amazon.com and picked a selection of some of the most popular marriage books. If we had put more thought into the process, we probably wouldn’t have chosen to read “The First 90 Days of Marriage” by Eric and Leslie Ludy.
Our first clue would have been that the authors have no credentials other than the fact that they are “authors, international speakers, and recording artists.” Woop-de-do. Someone has paid them to speak their mind. What gives them the authority to write a book giving marriage advice?
I love the old big band swing and romantic crooners from the 1930s to ’50s. I can think of nothing more romantic than dancing to these classics in front of a glowing fire, and I knew I wanted to do this at our wedding reception. There was only one small problem: I didn’t know a thing about dancing. Neither did Matt.
Lessons were kind of out of the question, because Matt was still living in Tacoma at the beginning of our engagement, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to get home anywhere from 9:00-11:00 at night. Weekends were consumed with running errands and getting things done that we couldn’t get done during the week, or just plain sleeping in and recovering from the week. So how were we going to learn how to dance?
For the first year I dated Mr. Wonderful, I wrote him a love letter marking every month we were together. In those letters, I would list the things I loved about him, most of them pertaining to things that had happened in the preceding month.
I was thinking about Matt and how much I love him the other day, and I realized that I shouldn’t stop making those lists. So here are five reasons I fall in love with my husband every day.
He never shies away from saying something loving. One of the things that I loved about Matt very early after meeting him was that he has never been afraid to let me know how much he cares about me. He never tires of telling me that he loves me. He’ll tell me I’m beautiful, even if he’s said it in the last day, or the last hour, or even the last minute for that matter. Even if I’m wearing sweats. Even if I just woke up. He always has a kind thing to say, and he can’t say it often enough. I appreciate it every time.
He uses pet names. He’s not too macho to call me by pet names, and he’s given me many. I love them because they’re playful and they reveal the tenderness he has toward me. Also, he would never use them on anyone else, so they remind me of the special bond we have.
He takes care of the dogs at night. The other night Butter had an upset stomach and woke up at 3:00 a.m. barking at the bedroom door. Neither of us was sure what was going on, but Matt took her outside immediately. When that didn’t satisfy her, he sat out in the living room with her, trying to feed her something. When she wouldn’t eat, he sat on the couch with her for a while. He earns major love points for taking the initiative and caring for the dogs at night so I don’t have to get out of bed and go out in the dark.
He does the laundry. I’ve never understood why men can’t do the laundry. It’s using a machine, for heaven’s sake. It means a lot to me that Matt is willing to lug the laundry to the basement (and down that long, creepy hall to the laundry room), especially at night.
When I’m around he is attentive to me first. When Matt comes home from a long day at work (and they’re all long days), he doesn’t automatically turn on the XBOX or go look in the fridge. He greets me and asks me what I’m up to. He shows me that he’s interested in spending quality time with me. Last night I was on the computer and he was playing Fable II, and when I sat down on the couch he went to turn off the XBOX. I hadn’t asked him to do that, and I let him keep playing, but it showed me that he puts me before video games.
These are just five of the many things that make Matt my Mr. Wonderful.
EDIT ADD:
6. Chocolate. I ask him to stop by the grocery store on his way home and he not only does it, but brings back a couple of Seattle chocolate bars as well. This man speaks my love language!
I think it’s rather appropriate that Keith Urban’s tour is called “Escape Together.” That is just what Matt and I did when we went to see the show at the Tacoma Dome. Even though we never left town, the concert offered us an escape from the outside world.
I have always loved concerts. I still remember how I felt the first time I went to a concert as a teenager (which was also at the Tacoma Dome). I looked around the arena at the thousands of people, gathered from different places, all with their separate lives and stories, and felt connected to something larger. No matter where we were earlier in the day, we were all there at that moment with the same music pulsing through us. It was one of those awe-inspiring moments when you are privileged with a different perspective of yourself and those around you.
Ever since, I have been almost addicted to concerts. I love their energy. The suspense and excitement that hangs in the air with the smoky fog before a show. The levity. The unity. It’s hard to replicate. Read the rest of this entry »
) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.