Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
Matt Damon recently shared his feelings about marriage with Hollywood Reporter.
HR: Has marriage changed you?
MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love marriage,” and I said, “No, I think marriage is ridiculous; I think it’s a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being married to my wife — she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but if she ever left me, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to spend your life with one person and not be totally driven crazy.
When I read this, it makes no sense at all to me. Why would you get married if you think marriage is ridiculous? And why do you say it’s so ridiculous if you love it so much? Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, or maybe I’ve just been conditioned to accept marriage as a social norm, but I see nothing weird about marriage. Well, at least nothing that’s any weirder than anything else we do in life.
If you think about anything too long, it becomes weird. Owning pets, for example. That’s kind of weird. Having children is really weird. But they are normal parts of life. What if the conversation had gone something like this:
HR: Has having children changed you?
MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love your kids ,” and I said, “No, I think my kids are ridiculous; I think having kids is a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being a father — my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, but if they ever died, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to live your life for completely dependent people and not be totally driven crazy.
The thing is, it’s only ridiculous to be married or have kids if you hold independence as an ideal, or if you want no-strings-attached love.
The truth is, marriage requires a selflessness that goes against our selfish instincts. When we’re “in love,” selflessness comes easily, but once that “in love” phase fades away, we revert back to our selfish desires. This is the point in which we might start to be driven crazy.
But the fact that marriage requires us to be better people doesn’t make it ridiculous. It just makes it hard.
People have strong feelings about Christmas trees. Real! Fake! Big! Small! Whatever type of tree it is, there is someone ready to proclaim why theirs is the perfect kind of Christmas tree. The Christmas tree is a shared favorite tradition, and even if you don’t have one in your own home, you’re likely to see all variations of them in public places, from shopping malls to office spaces.
Mr. Wonderful and I fully intended to have a real Christmas tree this year, though we both agreed it would have to be a diminutive “Charlie Brown” tree, to scale with the size of our apartment. (Fake was out, as we have no room to store it. ) Yet, when our last opportunity to get a tree before Christmas rolled around, my car was already so loaded down with things to take to the apartment that there was no way to squeeze a tree in there too without poking the dogs with needled branches.
We weren’t too disappointed, because we knew we would be spending the days surrounding Christmas with my folks, who have a full-scale tree. And a finely decorated tree it was!
For our wedding reception, we used glass cylinders full of red and white ball ornaments as decoration for the buffet and fireplace mantle. After the wedding, we had all of these ornaments to use for Christmas. We left one of the cylinders with my parents, who added the balls to their tree. Matt and I have two of the cylinders on our coffee table, which at least gives the place a bit of a festive air, in lieu of a tree.
Despite the benefits of not having a tree, or enjoying someone else’s, I must say that I am at least a little disappointed we didn’t have a tree of our own for our first Christmas. We received three “Our First Christmas Together” ornaments, which I would have loved to hang up, and there were a few ornaments we got together at Disney World last year that I would have hung up as well.
We may have missed our opportunity to get a tree this year, but next year a tree will be high on our priority list.
What are your feelings toward Christmas trees? Do you insist on real? Do you prefer fake? Tabletop or to the ceiling? White lights or multicolored? Coordinated ornaments or a hodgepodge of family ornaments? Leave a comment and tell me about your tree.
One of the best ideas I had for our wedding was to create “warm wishes” cards for our guests to write messages to us. I had no idea how they would go over when I made them, but I wanted to provide our guests a way to communicate with us, even if we didn’t get a chance to really speak with them at the wedding. I wanted our guests to know that we were glad that they were there, and we wanted them to feel like participants in our day. So I created a bunch of cards to place at the tables at the reception, hoping that people would pick up the pens and write us something.
The day after the wedding, before we opened our gifts, Matt and I read through the messages left by our friends and family. We were moved by how many people took the time to write something to us. We could tell that the warm wishes, advice, and encouragement they gave us were heartfelt and thought-out. I’m planning on hanging onto all of these cards and re-reading them on our anniversaries.
Here are just some of the great messages we received.
Conscious Marriage:
Every year make goals together.
Every year talk about the things you both love.
Every year go on a vacation for just the two of you.
Every year celebrate the day you met.
Every night kiss each other goodnight.
—
<arguments>Amber wins</arguments>
—
(This one’s in reference to our Halloween costumes)
Amelia Earhart (Amber) and the Invisible Man (Matt)
Dear Amelia Earheart and the Invisible Man,
Amber, this one’s a keeper. Don’t let him disappear. My prayers are with you both as you embark on this extraordinary journey called marriage. Love one another well and remember that every day you have with each other is truly a blessing. I hope your love grows stronger as the days turn into years and you continue to lean on one another. Matt, be a diligent copilot. Don’t let her fly solo for too long. Congratulations and good luck for the seasons to come!
—
The joy you share today will carry you far, but there may come a moment when you look at each other and think, Hmmm, who is this person? At those moments, know you are carried through the by the deep, abiding love you showed today, as well as the love we all have for you. Love is not a feeling alone, but a choice. Choose to give the best of yourselves to each other, even when it hurts or is scary. Remember to laugh–what looks grim and serious can be less so when you can see the laughter.
—
You both look so happy today. Keep that feeling, cherish it, and it can get you through a lot. Live life and love like no one is watching except yourselves. Talk to one another, and never let anything sit between you.
When my mom was planning my bridal shower, she found a game that requires the bride and groom to answer a set of questions separately, and then you compare their answers, seeing how many of their answers are the same. We didn’t end up playing the game at the shower, but Matt and I aced it. All but one or two of our answers were exactly the same, and the two that weren’t exactly the same were our second guesses. We know each other well.
One of the questions was “Who wears the pants in the relationship?” While I’m sure the question was designed to stir up some good-humored controversy, Matt’s and my response was “We share the pants.”
And it’s true. We consult one another whenever possible. We try to be on the same page. But while we chuckled at the image of us sharing pants, we had no idea that some real-life foreshadowing was going on.
I mentioned before that in the whirlwind of the day, Matt and I did not completely have our belongings prepared for after the wedding. We headed off to the hotel without much thought as to what we would need. I didn’t think of it until we got to the hotel, but I didn’t have a hanger or garment bag for my dress, and no bags to put my dress’s undergarments in, either. I didn’t think too much of this, just hung my dress as well as I could from he hotel’s hangers, and stuffed my garments in my suitcase. Matt did the same with his tux, and we figured we’d just have to carry them out like that the next morning. At least our event was over and it didn’t matter how they looked.
But the next morning I realized I had forgotten something even more important. I began to get dressed in my ordinary clothes and realized, standing there in my underwear, that I had forgotten my pants. Uh oh.
The morning of the wedding, I had put on a clean pair of pants, planning on packing them up after I put on my dress, so I could wear them the next day. Well, in the hustle and bustle, my clothes never made it into my suitcase.
Visions of checking out of the hotel in my underwear flashed through my head and I began to panic. I told Matt to call my dad and have him bring me my pants. When my dad picked up and Matt explained the scenario, I could hear my dad’s laughter through the phone.
“Please bring me my pants!” I pleaded urgently into the phone.
We had just twenty minutes to check out, and if he was going to bring my pants, he needed to do it now.
My dad proposed that I just wear Matt’s pants to check out and then I could change when I got to their house. I was not thrilled with this idea–man pants aren’t flattering or very comfortable. But Matt surrendered his pants for me to try on.
What do you know, they fit. Not great. They are definitely man pants, and I certainly didn’t feel very attractive, but I could wear them home.
So we shared the pants. I wore Matt’s pants, and he wore his tux pants. We quickly checked out of the hotel and made it home, where I slipped on my own blue jeans and breathed a sigh of relief. My own pants have never felt so good.
Me in Matt's pants, still gripping my wedding dress.
Even though I’ve been planning this thing for months, it doesn’t really seem real until I look at all the stuff myself and my family have put together to make it become a reality. When it all comes together, it will be beautiful, and I am so excited to see it.
I was never really a girl that fantasized about her wedding day. I didn’t develop a picture of what I would look like in my wedding gown, I didn’t know what the ceremony would be like, I didn’t know how many attendants I would have, etc. But as I got older, I did start developing a vague idea of what I wanted.
I’ve always kind of thought I would have a fall or winter wedding. I think they’re my favorite seasons. I love the crispness in the air in the fall, and of course the sight of blazing orange foliage across the landscape. When the leaves fall, they are replaced by the glow of twinkling lights and crackling fires. We appreciate once again the lush evergreens and shimmering silver, gold, and red decorations. There a song that is famous here in the Northwest that claims “Christmas in the Northwest is a gift,” and as cheesy as that song is, I’ve always thought it was true. The Northwest truly is a beautiful place to live all year round.
So, with a fall and winter wedding in mind, I’ve always imagined my wedding colors being a deep red and accents that we’re using now: ivory, silver, and gold. At this point, I can see all of our decorations and details coming together, and I think it will be the romantic and elegant event I’ve wanted all along, even though I didn’t fantasize about it.
I have to thank my parents big time for their loving effort to make this day special. I honestly couldn’t ask for more loving, supportive parents, and I’m so glad they were involved in helping me plan this big day. It’s such a huge comfort to know that their blessing is upon me and Matt as we make this big step forward in our lives, beginning the sacred lifetime endeavor of marriage.
I am also so thankful for the friends and family who are traveling long distances to be there with bells on. Their love and support puts a glow in my heart, and I feel truly honored.
Remember when I wrote about how emotional I get when I watch Amy’s wedding video, and how thankful I am that all of my family is here to celebrate with me on my wedding day? Well, those words haunted me Saturday night, when an event happened that made me realize it’s still possible that we won’t all make it.
My grandpa fell on the sidewalk walking home (across the street) from our house on Saturday night. My grandma and grandpa had come over to celebrate my dad’s birthday with us and watch the wedding video that we’ll play after the ceremony. They stayed until about 9:15, and we all gathered around the door to say goodbye. My mom watched them go through the front window until she thought they were across the street. As we all turned away to go about our evening, we heard the doorbell quickly ring three times. My mom opened the door as my dad looked out the window, and I heard my grandmother’s worried voice: “Jim has fallen.”
Mr Wonderful and I went into the county auditor’s office to get our marriage license this morning. There is nothing like that first step toward getting your marriage legally recognized to cement reality.
We sat down and I filled in our information on the form. I wrote in Matt’s information first: name, birth date, etc. Then I got to my portion of the form, and it asked for my name, and then had a box for my maiden name. I was slightly confused. If I was taking his last name, was I supposed to write my name with his last name, and then put my (soon-to-be) maiden name on the “maiden name” line? I had automatically written my name, and then questioned it when I got to the “maiden name” line. Matt thought I was supposed to use his last name.
I am planning on taking Matt’s last name. I don’t have a philosophical stance on whether women should or should not take their husband’s last name. I think that’s up to the individual woman to decide. I had always planned on taking my husband’s last name, partly because, unless his name was horrible, I would finally be free of “short” jokes. (You know I would be keeping my last name if his was Butts or something… In which case, even hyphenating would be disasterous.) Hyphenating seems like a good idea, but my maiden name is difficult to hyphenate with, as any adjective name would be. Also, there is the issue of then what are your children’s last names going to be? Will they be given the hypenated version? What if they get married and want to hyphenate? Three hyphens?! It gets a little out of control.
But as I sat there, facing the possibility of putting my new name on an official form for the first time, I felt a slight hesitation. I felt almost like I was going to lose part of myself, or like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I know that sounds uber-dramatic. It’s just a name, right? But all of my accomplishments were under my maiden name. All of my friends know me under my maiden name. That was the name I scribbled on paper with a thick crayon when I first learned how to write. It was the name enscribed on the safety bracelet I wore around when I was very young. When I learned my identity, it was under that name. I was that name.
My new name has no history. It’s completely new to me. So of course I feel a bit detached from it. My new name is tied to my future, rather than my past. And the future is… well, who knows?
I asked Matt if he would change his name to mine. Of course, he immediately said no. I figured as much, but I asked why, just for clarification. And his response was basically the reason I wanted to change my name: I have a name that gets made into lame jokes. But if I had an average or maybe even “cool” name would he change it? I don’t know, I didn’t ask. Probably not, though. Because if our patriarchal society’s customs pressure men to keep their identity and save them the hassle of changing their name, they’ll use it to their advantage.
We asked the clerk which name I was supposed to write, and she said it was my maiden name. So for now, I have some more time to get used to the idea. I’m sure I’ll warm up to my new name once we’re married and begin to build our own family history. But for now, I’m enjoying my last couple weeks of being who I’ve always been.
When I started planning my ceremony, I pulled out Amy’s wedding video to get me started thinking about what I might want to do. I’m glad the first time I watched it I was alone, because I started blubbering the moment Amy took my dad’s arm and started walking down the aisle in her veil and white dress. In the moments preceding that, I watched thinking, “Oh, that’s fun,” and “That turned out nice,” but as soon as everyone stood up and watched Amy as she walked down the aisle–cue the waterworks!
I don’t recall how many times I have watched the video since, but I’ll let you in on a secret: I got teary every time. I’ve become quite a sissy.
Walking down the aisle is a momentous moment. It’s a journey from who you have been to who you will become. And as a bride, I feel privileged that I get to take that walk, to symbolically mark my journey and my choice to now be joined with Matt.
I also feel incredibly privileged that I get to take that journey surrounded by family and dear friends. To get to walk beside my dad, have my mom there in the front row, and have my sister there by my side. The day would not feel complete without my family there sharing that moment with me.
Today I found out that a friend I made while I was in North Carolina recently suffered the loss of her mom to breast cancer. My heart breaks for her, knowing that she has lost one of her dearest friends and closest confidants. Having never suffered that kind of loss, I can’t say how it would feel, but I can’t help but believe it will forever feel as though someone is missing. Her mom won’t be there on her wedding day, and her mom will never know her grandchildren.
There are moments in our lives that just would not seem complete without family. And when I sit and watch Amy’s wedding video, I cry as I think, We made it. We’re all here.
People have strong feelings about Christmas trees. Real! Fake! Big! Small! Whatever type of tree it is, there is someone ready to proclaim why theirs is the perfect kind of Christmas tree. The Christmas tree is a shared favorite tradition, and even if you don’t have one in your own home, you’re likely to see all variations of them in public places, from shopping malls to office spaces.
Their love and support puts a glow in my heart, and I feel truly honored.