Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
This year, Matt and I are filing taxes together for the first time. What fun!
So last week, Matt decided to sit down and start tackling the taxes. I know him well enough to understand the rules of survival in a situation such as this.
Limit communication. A simple “How’s it going?” may illicit violent responses that are likewise ambiguous, such as fire-breathing and self-flagellating. Silence is best.
Do not venture within 10 feet of the Work Area. And, if you do cross the boundary, offer a simple, silent gesture of affection. A kiss on the cheek, slight tousling of the hair, or a pat on the back. Then, nonchalantly exit the Work Area.
When not in the Work Area, engage in a quiet activity, such as reading. Make sure it is not a funny book, lest you laugh out loud. But don’t read anything morose, either, or the gray cloud suspended above the work area will expand into the Living Area, threatening a dour downpour that will ruin the evening for everyone.
Ignore all grunting, moaning, and occasional expletives. They are a natural part of the process.
If at all possible, slip into another room.
Somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00 I, slipped into the Sleep Area and tucked myself in for a good night’s rest. The dogs followed suit and, after their routine circling and fluffing, settled into their beds with a sigh.
I was lost in dreamland when I heard my husband faintly call my name. I felt his hand at my knee, gently shaking me awake.
I opened my eyes and gave him a squinty, confused stare as he asked me a tax question. My brain, still clinging to the remnants of a pleasant dream, attempted to grasp the sense of his question. I mumbled a reply and plunged my head back into my pillow as Matt walked back to the work area.
A minute passed, and I heard him trying to transmit questions from the Work Area to the Sleep Area.
It became clear to me that my husband was not aware of his rules of survival in a situation such as this:
When your wife is in the Sleep Area, reasons for disturbing her may include: fire, flood, medical emergency, or giving her a massage. They most definitely do NOT include strokes of genius, laundry, tomorrow’s errands, or tax filing.
If fire, flood, or medical emergency are to occur between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m. anywhere outside the Sleeping Area, you must handle the situation quietly and efficiently without waking your wife. Use an extinguisher, fill sandbags, go to the hospital, but DO NOT DISTURB THE SLEEP AREA.
Under NO circumstances is the sleeping wife to be called out of the Sleep Area between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m.
I rolled over in bed and squinted at the clock across the room. Just after midnight.
He asked me to exit the Sleep Area to travel to the Work Area. To file taxes. REALLY?
I stepped over a half-circle of paper piles on the floor and looked at something he was pointing at on the computer screen. He needed a number. On autopilot, I pulled out file and fingered through it, not making sense of anything I saw.
He needed information from me and wanted me to find it and get it for him. Now. After midnight.
“I’m so close to being done!” he said, pointing a the progress bar on the screen.
I went back to bed. Later, as we lay in bed together in the wee hours of the morning, I woke Matt, kicking and whimpering in the throes of a bad dream. In my nightmare, the government hadn’t received my taxes. They chased me, attempting to kidnap and enslave me, or just kill me outright.
Husbands, DO NOT DISTURB THE SLEEP AREA. Especially for taxes.
Mr. Wonderful and I don’t fight very often, but when we do, it’s tough.
We don’t fight like most couples. In fact, I even hesitate to call it fighting. We don’t really yell at each other. Instead of fiery anger, our fights are characterized by heavy disappointment. Don’t underestimate how damaging disappointment can be. It’s quieter, but it burrows itself in your heart and settles there. Then it stakes in a big “No Trespassing” sign that keeps even loved ones at a distance.
Fighting with Matt is unlike any kind of fighting I’ve ever experienced. Even when I’m disappointed in him, or when I feel hurt, I want to air my grievances, but I don’t want him to become angry at himself and be miserable. I simply want him to understand, feel remorse for his part, and move forward. I don’t want to dwell.
We are one. What hurts me hurts him, and vice versa. Last weekend I felt hurt, but seeing Matt beat himself up for his behavior only made my heart ache more. Him dwelling on his mistake would not heal my hurt. I only needed apology and reassurance of his love to heal.
They say that marriage is supposed to bring you closer to God. In our fighting over the weekend, something of the nature of God was revealed to me.
When I fall short of the goodness of God, when I disappoint Him and sin against Him, He is hurt, but He doesn’t want me to wallow in despair at what a weak, horrible person I am. Jesus loves his people, and He wants to see them vibrant and full of the life He gave them, not mired in self-hatred. All we can do, and all He expects, is to feel remorse, apologize, and move forward.
Dwelling does not help or heal anyone. Love moves forward.
There’s nothing quite like witnessing a dysfunctional couple to make you happy for what you have.
Last night Matt and I snuggled up with each other and watched “The Break-up,” starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Throughout the movie, we turned to each other and emphatically uttered “I love you.”
As indicated by the title, the movie follows the break-up of Brooke (Aniston) and Gary (Vaughn). Their falling out is complicated by the mortgage they share on the condo neither of them could afford alone, but neither wants to give up. Their real estate dilemma leads to a prolonged nasty break-up, intensified by close quarters. The result is an anti-rom-com. From start to finish, we were waiting for Brooke to finally give up on Gary and become a liberated single.
I couldn’t help but recall what Matt and I read in “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. We just finished the book, so it immediately came to mind as we watched the movie.
In the scene leading up to Brooke breaking up with Gary, we learn that he’s even more of a prick than we have gathered from the film up to this point. She recounts clueless Gary’s every failure, and Matt and I tried to guess her love language. But it was impossible to know, because it sounded like Gary was failing to speak several love languages. Even when she explicitly asked, he never helped with dishes or cleaning the condo (service), took her to the ballet (quality time), or gave her flowers (gifts). I don’t recall him giving her words of affirmation, either. Which only leaves one love language: physical touch. Although during the fight he alludes to a recent sexual encounter, they were at least ten feet apart for most of the preceding on-screen time.
Gary doesn’t understand that when Brooke is asking for help with the dishes, a night at the ballet, and flowers, she’s really asking for love. Gary may have feelings for Brooke, but he never shows her love. His every action is motivated by his desires alone. He doesn’t realize his own inability to love until an honest friend bluntly (and refreshingly) reveals his character flaw to him.
On the other hand, all of Brooke’s actions are motivated by her desires to give and receive love. Dr. Chapman explains in his book that everyone has an emotional “love tank” that needs to be filled in order for the person to live a healthy, fulfilled life. When Brooke breaks up with Gary, she feels so unloved that her love tank is running on empty. In a frenzied attempt to inspire some gratitude and love from Gary and start refilling her love tank, Brooke becomes the opposite of a loving girlfriend. Predictably, her actions only elicit resentment and revenge.
At the end of the film, after Gary has had his revelation and prepared a nice dinner for Brooke in a last-ditch effort to redeem their relationship, Brooke tells Gary, “I don’t have any love left to give.” She finally realized her love tank is empty.
Watching this movie, though frustrating and annoying, did drive home the messages Matt and I have been learning about marriage from our studies. Here are the main ones that came up in this movie:
Speak your spouse’s “love language” and keep their “love tank” full
Anger and fighting are often a result of an unmet need. Create a safe space for your spouse to share that need and do your best to meet it.
It’s no surprise that marital satisfaction does not remain at the same level throughout the lifetime of a marriage. But Matt and I were surprised to learn that most couples divorce just when their marital satisfaction is about to increase.
In general, marital satisfaction starts out high at the wedding, then steadily declines, reaching its lowest point at right about the middle of the couple’s life together: when they have teenagers. Most couples experiencing problems during their kids’ teen years decide to stick it out until the kids are out of the house, and divorce as soon as their kids are off to college. But what’s so tragic about this is that it’s at just about the time when some couples divorce that marital satisfaction generally begins to increase.
From the middle point onward, marital satisfaction keeps increasing, and at the end of life, marital satisfaction is higher than it was on the wedding day.
Les Parrott illustrated why satisfaction is higher by telling a story about a river rafting trip. He and some buddies decided to go river rafting, and didn’t know a thing about it. When surveying their trip options, they chose a trip that included a free barbecue dinner. It wasn’t until they strapped on their helmets that they realized they had chosen one of the most difficult, dangerous trips listed. Throughout the remainder of the trip, as they were plunged underwater and avoided deathly collision with the jagged rocks, all he could think about was getting back to shore. If he could have jumped out of the raft, climbed ashore, and called it quits, he would have. But they were in the middle of the wilderness and that was not an option, so down the river he went.
At the end of the trip, they were fed the barbecue dinner as advertised. After the main course, they gathered around the campfire for–you guessed it–S’MORES! S’mores are scrumptious anytime, but you can imagine how magical they would taste after such a harrowing experience. I think I would be face-down thanking the Lord above!
Sticking through the tough times, trusting the journey, can make the reward at the end feel that much more… well, rewarding.
I know couples get divorced for all sorts of reasons and at all stages of life, but knowing that it’s normal for marital satisfaction to dip and rise depending on life stage will hopefully provide us with some incentive to hang on when the waters get choppy.
Let me just start this post by saying that just the word “withhold” makes me uncomfortable.
Why? Because it has two h’s next to each other. What kind of word has two h’s next to each other?
I think this is the closest I come to understanding homophobes.
Moving on…
“Sharing Withholds” is an exercise the Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott introduced to us at the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar. The purpose of the exercise is to increase communication and allow your partner access to thoughts that you have had about him or her in the last 48 hours, but have not shared. These thoughts may be positive or negative, but the exercise works best when you balance any negative withholds with positive ones.
Here’s how to share withholds:
Partner 1 asks Partner 2 if he/she would like to share withholds. If it’s a good time, Partner 2 agrees.
Partner 1 begins by sharing a positive thought regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
Partner 1 shares a concern or frustration regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
Repeat steps 1-5 for Partner 2.
Neither partner responds to what their partner has shared (except to say “Thank you”) for 30 minutes after the withhold. If the partners would like to discuss their withholds further after the 30 minutes, they may.
So what does that really look like?
Here’s how Matt and I might share withholds:
Amber: Matt, would you like to share withholds?
Matt: Sure.
Amber: I really appreciate you cooking dinner last night. It was delicious and I enjoyed being able to read while you cooked.
Matt: Thank you.
Amber: I wish you wouldn’t leave your shoes in the middle of the doorway. I tripped on them this morning and almost fell.
Matt: Thank you. I really appreciated you doing the laundry yesterday. I told you I would do it, but it was nice to have it done when I got home.
Amber: Thank you.
Matt: There was some of your hair in the sink this morning. I wish you would clean it out when you’re done in the bathroom.
Amber: Thank you.
THE END.
That was a pretty tame example, but you can see how the structure of this exercise is useful for bringing up more controversial topics. The thirty-minute rule provides the person sharing the withhold with a sense of emotional safety; he or she knows the concern will not be attacked. The time also provides time for tempers to cool, deflecting the immediate self-defense response. After thirty minutes, both parties are in a better position to hold a productive discussion.
This exercise is something I’m glad Matt and I have in our marriage toolkit. There are a lot of times when I think something nice about Matt, but am unable to share it at the moment I think it. And there are times, too, when I may want to bring up something not-so-nice, but I’m not quite sure how or when to do it. I know that Matt feels the same, and I want him to have the opportunity to share what’s on his mind with me .
What do you think about sharing withholds? You don’t have to do it with your husband/wife, either. It works equally well with family members, or even roommates. I dare you to try it and tell me the results!
Yes, we finally made it to the marriage seminar, and now we will never have marital problems.
Not.
But hopefully we’ll have less.
Truthfully, we learned a lot. Les and Leslie Parrott not only spoke about general relationship dynamics and personality traits, they gave examples of concrete exercises couples could use to strengthen communication and understanding. We’ll share more about what we learned in detail, but let’s concentrate on one thing at a time.
The Parrotts kicked off the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar by dispelling the common myths about marriage.
The number one marriage myth that couples believe going into marriage is “We expect the same things.” The Parrott’s explained that in every marriage, couples enter the relationship with unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are your assumed “code of conduct.” If your spouse were to violate an unspoken rule, your reaction would be “We don’t do it that way.” Unconscious roles are the expectations husbands and wives place on each other’s behavior, based on their idea of what a husband or wife should do. If a wife doesn’t perform the duties a husband expects, it can leave him feeling unloved (and vice versa).
The tricky thing about unspoken rules and unconscious roles is that it’s almost impossible to know what they are until they are violated. And when they are violated, we usually have a very strong reaction, because they are deeply rooted in family tradition.
For example, what happens when you marry someone who adamantly believes the Christmas tree should be adorned with white lights, while you consider it sacrilege to have a tree that isn’t strung with colored lights? Or what happens when you grew up in a home with a handyman father, and suddenly you’re living with a man who doesn’t know the difference between a flat and a Phillips head screwdriver? (Ok, I’m not sure a man like that really exists, but what if?)
These issues may seem small to an outsider, but to someone who has deeply-rooted expectations for their partner’s behavior, these trespasses are upsetting.
Of course, it’s hard to consciously think of expectations that rest in the subconscious, but I don’t think Matt and I have many unspoken rules or subconscious roles. For the most part, we take each other as we are and try not to project expectations based on family history. We want to find what works for us.
But there are certainly some unspoken rules that have been revealed.
Such as the “passenger is co-pilot” rule. When driving somewhere I’ve never been, or when lost, I expect Matt to be able to keep an eye out for signs, read a map, locate where we are and where we’re going, and give timely directions. I try not to need the help, but it puts me at ease to know that if something were to happen, I’ve got a partner by my side who is aware and can help me solve problems. This concern never crossed Matt’s mind, however. He’s happy to spend the length of the trip in conversation, and doesn’t think about whether we missed our exit or were supposed to turn right or left. He rests that responsibility in my hands and pays attention to me instead of the road.
I vaguely remember a car ride when I was lost and exasperated and told Matt (nicely, I’m sure ) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.
I’m sure we’ll encounter more unspoken rules and unconscious roles as our marriage progresses, but hopefully we’ll be able to recognize them, discuss them, and respect each other’s needs and differences.
I walked across the living room to the kitchen to get the dogs breakfast and saw Matt on the couch, sleeping with a Batman book.
I was mad that he had come home so late , and wondered how much longer he had stayed awake reading. I got ready for the day and tried to shake it off, but unsuccessfully.
Matt was still sleeping when I finished getting ready, and we had ten minutes until we needed to leave if we were to catch the bus. He slowly got up and got ready, while I ate breakfast. At 8:05 I printed off driving directions, because we no longer had time for the bus. We got out the door at about 8:20.
Poor Matt. He was actually in a good mood. I was the one who was stressed out. Ultimately, my anger was rooted in my jealousy of the claim his employer has on his time, but I blamed it on little things. When he asked me what was wrong, I blamed it on having to drive and not knowing the way. Read the rest of this entry »
I love the old big band swing and romantic crooners from the 1930s to ’50s. I can think of nothing more romantic than dancing to these classics in front of a glowing fire, and I knew I wanted to do this at our wedding reception. There was only one small problem: I didn’t know a thing about dancing. Neither did Matt.
Lessons were kind of out of the question, because Matt was still living in Tacoma at the beginning of our engagement, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to get home anywhere from 9:00-11:00 at night. Weekends were consumed with running errands and getting things done that we couldn’t get done during the week, or just plain sleeping in and recovering from the week. So how were we going to learn how to dance?
Me and Mr. Wonderful have been together for one year and two months, and last week was the first time I ever remember being outright mad at him.
Sure, I’ve been disappointed, frustrated, or annoyed with him before, but these instances have never constituted what I would call a fight. Usually we are pretty good at getting to the root of the issue and talking about things before they get out of hand.
But I guess all it took to break down the machine was, ironically of course, wedding-related. We fought over our invitations. Read the rest of this entry »
There’s nothing quite like witnessing a dysfunctional couple to make you happy for what you have.
) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.