Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
How could we read a dozen marriage books and not include this one? If you were breathing in the 90′s, you’ve heard of this book.
The only reason I did not react to this book with vehement hostility is because I have grown up hearing my parents refer to principles in this book, so I know that it is sometimes applicable. This prevented me from throwing the book across the room every time Gray talked about cave-dwelling Martians with their stupid telescopes spying on the beautiful, but needy Venusians.
I have a general distaste for any philosophy that is based on the differences between men and women. Mainly because I think we generally have more in common than we think, and because it’s possible to discuss communication differences without ascribing them to gender.
When authors try to ascribe certain behaviors to gender, they lose credibility with me. Because what if you say, for example, that Irene likes apples because women like apples, and men like oranges. Then Roger comes along and he likes apples and not oranges? What does that mean for Roger? You can’t say that he likes apples because he’s a woman–he’s not. And you can’t say that he’ll like oranges because he’s a man, because he doesn’t like oranges. So how does your gender argument work now? Wouldn’t it be more useful to simply say that some people like apples and some people like oranges, and some people like both or neither? That’s a truer statement.
In our case, I think Mr. Wonderful and I have some serious apples.
As I read about Gray’s theories that men retreat into their caves and act like rubber bands and such, I kept thinking: Matt is not like this at all. When Matt is under stress or has a problem to solve, he doesn’t become silent and retreat to his cave and come back later. Just the opposite: if there’s something going through his head, I’m going to hear all about it.
In fact, one of the most difficult parts of our relationship was before we were married and we weren’t able to spend as much time together, so most of the time our conversations took place over the phone after he got off work. Inevitably, he had gotten off work late and went straight from “Hello” to telling me all about the stress and frustration of his day. I ended up exhausted and a little depressed after hearing him vent, because there was nothing I could do to help. But I learned that he needed to be able to talk about it to de-stress. I was the only one he felt like he could talk about his troubles with, and he needed my listening ear. Today I’ve gotten more used to just being a sounding board and not taking his venting so personally. And I know that if he’s upset, I just need to get him to talk and eventually he’ll feel better. That not necessarily Venusian, it’s just his communication style.
Overall, if you can see past the gender-specific references in the book, there are some helpful nuggets in there. Matt and I found some of what Gray has to say in the section on motivating the opposite sex helpful. And I hardly disagree with Gray’s suggestions on how to “score points” with women. In general, it’s a book worth giving a shot. Take what you can use, leave the rest.
Let me just start this post by saying that just the word “withhold” makes me uncomfortable.
Why? Because it has two h’s next to each other. What kind of word has two h’s next to each other?
I think this is the closest I come to understanding homophobes.
Moving on…
“Sharing Withholds” is an exercise the Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott introduced to us at the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar. The purpose of the exercise is to increase communication and allow your partner access to thoughts that you have had about him or her in the last 48 hours, but have not shared. These thoughts may be positive or negative, but the exercise works best when you balance any negative withholds with positive ones.
Here’s how to share withholds:
Partner 1 asks Partner 2 if he/she would like to share withholds. If it’s a good time, Partner 2 agrees.
Partner 1 begins by sharing a positive thought regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
Partner 1 shares a concern or frustration regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
Repeat steps 1-5 for Partner 2.
Neither partner responds to what their partner has shared (except to say “Thank you”) for 30 minutes after the withhold. If the partners would like to discuss their withholds further after the 30 minutes, they may.
So what does that really look like?
Here’s how Matt and I might share withholds:
Amber: Matt, would you like to share withholds?
Matt: Sure.
Amber: I really appreciate you cooking dinner last night. It was delicious and I enjoyed being able to read while you cooked.
Matt: Thank you.
Amber: I wish you wouldn’t leave your shoes in the middle of the doorway. I tripped on them this morning and almost fell.
Matt: Thank you. I really appreciated you doing the laundry yesterday. I told you I would do it, but it was nice to have it done when I got home.
Amber: Thank you.
Matt: There was some of your hair in the sink this morning. I wish you would clean it out when you’re done in the bathroom.
Amber: Thank you.
THE END.
That was a pretty tame example, but you can see how the structure of this exercise is useful for bringing up more controversial topics. The thirty-minute rule provides the person sharing the withhold with a sense of emotional safety; he or she knows the concern will not be attacked. The time also provides time for tempers to cool, deflecting the immediate self-defense response. After thirty minutes, both parties are in a better position to hold a productive discussion.
This exercise is something I’m glad Matt and I have in our marriage toolkit. There are a lot of times when I think something nice about Matt, but am unable to share it at the moment I think it. And there are times, too, when I may want to bring up something not-so-nice, but I’m not quite sure how or when to do it. I know that Matt feels the same, and I want him to have the opportunity to share what’s on his mind with me .
What do you think about sharing withholds? You don’t have to do it with your husband/wife, either. It works equally well with family members, or even roommates. I dare you to try it and tell me the results!
Last weekend Matt and I cashed in a bunch of loose change at a Coinstar machine and turned it into an Amazon.com gift certificate. We’d like to use it for a couple marriage books. What books do you recommend we get?
Posted on January 20th, 2010 by MrsWonderful
Posted in Blog | Tags: Books | 3 Comments »