Mr. and Mrs. Wonderful

Yes, we finally made it to the marriage seminar, and now we will never have marital problems.

Not.

But hopefully we’ll have less.

Truthfully, we learned a lot. Les and Leslie Parrott not only spoke about general relationship dynamics and personality traits, they gave examples of concrete exercises couples could use to strengthen communication and understanding. We’ll share more about what we learned in detail, but let’s concentrate on one thing at a time.

The Parrotts kicked off the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar by dispelling the common myths about marriage.

The number one marriage myth that couples believe going into marriage is “We expect the same things.” The Parrott’s explained that in every marriage, couples enter the relationship with unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are your assumed “code of conduct.” If your spouse were to violate an unspoken rule, your reaction would be “We don’t do it that way.” Unconscious roles are the expectations husbands and wives place on each other’s behavior, based on their idea of what a husband or wife should do. If a wife doesn’t perform the duties a husband expects, it can leave him feeling unloved (and vice versa).

The tricky thing about unspoken rules and unconscious roles is that it’s almost impossible to know what they are until they are violated. And when they are violated, we usually have a very strong reaction, because they are deeply rooted in family tradition.

For example, what happens when you marry someone who adamantly believes the Christmas tree should be adorned with white lights, while you consider it sacrilege to have a tree that isn’t strung with colored lights? Or what happens when you grew up in a home with a handyman father, and suddenly you’re living with a man who doesn’t know the difference between a flat and a Phillips head screwdriver? (Ok, I’m not sure a man like that really exists, but what if?)

These issues may seem small to an outsider, but to someone who has deeply-rooted expectations for their partner’s behavior, these trespasses are upsetting.

Of course, it’s hard to consciously think of expectations that rest in the subconscious, but I don’t think Matt and I have many unspoken rules or subconscious roles. For the most part, we take each other as we are and try not to project expectations based on family history. We want to find what works for us.

But there are certainly some unspoken rules that have been revealed.

Such as the “passenger is co-pilot” rule. When driving somewhere I’ve never been, or when lost, I expect Matt to be able to keep an eye out for signs, read a map, locate where we are and where we’re going, and give timely directions. I try not to need the help, but it puts me at ease to know that if something were to happen, I’ve got a partner by my side who is aware and can help me solve problems. This concern never crossed Matt’s mind, however. He’s happy to spend the length of the trip in conversation, and doesn’t think about whether we missed our exit or were supposed to turn right or left. He rests that responsibility in my hands and pays attention to me instead of the road.

I vaguely remember a car ride when I was lost and exasperated and told Matt (nicely, I’m sure ) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.

I’m sure we’ll encounter more unspoken rules and unconscious roles as our marriage progresses, but hopefully we’ll be able to recognize them, discuss them, and respect each other’s needs and differences.