Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
Instead of participating in Superbowl Sunday by attending a party with copious amounts of finger food and bottled beverages, Mr. Wonderful and I went to the zoo to celebrate my friend Alison’s birthday.
We’re much bigger fans of Alison and animals than football, so it was the perfect opportunity. While everyone else huddled around televisions in sports bars or in their homes, we would be enjoying the zoo sans crowds.
As a kid, my mom and I would go to the Point Defiance Zoo very often. So often that, at one point, we were even members. I knew that zoo like my own backyard. Today, I still visit at least once a year.
It’s been a while since I’ve been to the Woodland Park Zoo. I think the last time I went was on a class field trip. I don’t remember much about it except the gorillas. (Perhaps that’s because they creep me out.)
I was so excited to see the animals at Woodland Park that they don’t have at Point Defiance. When we got to the zoo I grabbed Matt’s hand and started running like a child.
The zoo is an exciting place! It’s got animals! And you can learn about them! And (hopefully) see them up-close!
(See what Matt had to put up with?)
Sunday afternoon was perfect zoo weather: overcast and temperate. There is something about this kind of weather that makes the animals want to move around. (Or at least that’s my theory.) They were extremely active while we were there. As we traversed through the zoo, we got up-close and personal with some of the most fearsome animals.
Have you ever heard a lion roar? Not the stupid MGM lion before the movie starts. An in-person, real live lion. I’m convinced there’s no way to truly capture that sound. Recordings just don’t do justice to the echoing boom a lion can issue from within his deep chest. It’s terrifying.
Perhaps as terrifying as watching a lion stroll right up to you on his massive, heavy paws. Glass or no glass, I identified with the little girl who ran away when the lion started heading toward us. I wondered what thoughts were passing through the lion’s head as he stared at us with his bold yellow eyes. (And they are freakishly yellow.)
Well, he soon made his feelings known.
The lion rubbed his broad cheeks against the glass. You could feel the collective sense of awe shared by the small crowd huddled in the viewing enclosure. But that wasn’t enough for this powerful creature. He needed to make a bigger impression than that. So, with his captive audience staring, he turned and splattered the glass with his spray at eye-level. Then, of course, he sauntered away. Point proven.
Our other animal encounters weren’t quite so…um…humbling. But they did make an impression. I don’t think there was a single animal we wanted to see that we didn’t get a good view of.
And I think I discovered my favorite new animal: the sloth bear. Their cuteness is multiplied by the fact that they carry their young on their backs. Adorable.
All in all, it was a great day running around with Alison and my Mr. Wonderful, acting like little kids and getting excited about animals.
If anyone wants to go again, I’ve got my sack lunch packed.
Friday marked the completion of our second month of marriage, and the completion of our second marriage book, “The Five Love Languages.”
The book has been around for a while, and it is such a huge success that I would venture to guess that if you haven’t heard about it, you’re in the minority. But just in case you’re not familiar with the book, I’ll summarize.
Everyone gives and receives love in particular ways, and when love is shown to us in these particular ways, we feel loved. As Dr. Chapman described it, everyone has an emotional “love tank.” Our love tank is filled by others expressing love to us in ways we recognize. People cannot live healthy, fulfilled lives without a full love tank.
Dr. Chapman claims that, in general, people express love in five general ways, or five “languages.”
The five love languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
If you’re like me, you probably read through that list and thought, “But I like all of those things! How could I speak just one?”
Most people have a single dominant love language that speaks the most powerfully to them. Within that, they may even speak a certain “dialect,” meaning that there may be even more particular ways they express or recognize love.
It is also common to have a strong secondary love language. You may not prefer it as strongly as the first, but if it was neglected, you would notice.
I knew immediately that my primary love language is physical touch. I have longed to be cuddled from the day I was born. I remember often sidling up to my mom on the couch and asking her to scratch my back. I needed to be touched. I needed the constant, reassuring contact of her hand brushing across my back.
Once I identified my primary love language, I wondered if I had a dialect. I realized that the most significant touches to me are those that are conscious. When I give Matt a back massage, I give him my attention. As my hands move, I’m thinking about how it might feel to him, what muscles might be tense. I ask for feedback or look for cues to see what areas need what kind of touch. I’m thinking about him and consciously expressing my love through touch. So, likewise, I feel the most loved when someone touches me in a way that makes me feel as though they are thinking of me. For example, I love cuddling on the couch with Matt while we’re watching a movie. But if he puts his arm around me and just lightly strokes my arm, too, my love tank starts filling at lightning speed.
Matt and I are fortunate, because my primary love language is his secondary love language, and my secondary love language is his primary love language.
Matt’s primary love language is quality time. I sometimes wondered why it seemed so imperative that I accompany him to the store. He’s perfectly capable of running to the store to get what we need! But because of this book, it dawned on me that he wants me to come along because of his need for quality time. No matter what we are doing, or where we are going, what really matters to Matt is that we’re spending time together.
I remember one Saturday we spent wandering around downtown Seattle. We didn’t have a particular destination in mind, but as we walked and talked, I realized I had no clue where we were.
“Where are we?” I asked, looking around at the towering office buildings. There wasn’t anything particularly interesting about the area, and most of the buildings seemed shut down for the weekend.
“I don’t know where the hell we are, but I’m having fun!” was Matt’s gung-ho reply.
It’s a moment we still bring up today.
Matt and I would recommend “The Five Love Languages” to anyone and everyone. It’s such an interesting read, full of helpful anecdotes that illustrate the love languages at work. The book prompted a lot of self-reflection for us, and also made close observers of each other.
I think this book will help us a lot in the long-run by prompting us to be aware of each other’s “love tank” and how to keep it filled. If you haven’t read it yet, DO IT!
There’s nothing quite like witnessing a dysfunctional couple to make you happy for what you have.
Last night Matt and I snuggled up with each other and watched “The Break-up,” starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Throughout the movie, we turned to each other and emphatically uttered “I love you.”
As indicated by the title, the movie follows the break-up of Brooke (Aniston) and Gary (Vaughn). Their falling out is complicated by the mortgage they share on the condo neither of them could afford alone, but neither wants to give up. Their real estate dilemma leads to a prolonged nasty break-up, intensified by close quarters. The result is an anti-rom-com. From start to finish, we were waiting for Brooke to finally give up on Gary and become a liberated single.
I couldn’t help but recall what Matt and I read in “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. We just finished the book, so it immediately came to mind as we watched the movie.
In the scene leading up to Brooke breaking up with Gary, we learn that he’s even more of a prick than we have gathered from the film up to this point. She recounts clueless Gary’s every failure, and Matt and I tried to guess her love language. But it was impossible to know, because it sounded like Gary was failing to speak several love languages. Even when she explicitly asked, he never helped with dishes or cleaning the condo (service), took her to the ballet (quality time), or gave her flowers (gifts). I don’t recall him giving her words of affirmation, either. Which only leaves one love language: physical touch. Although during the fight he alludes to a recent sexual encounter, they were at least ten feet apart for most of the preceding on-screen time.
Gary doesn’t understand that when Brooke is asking for help with the dishes, a night at the ballet, and flowers, she’s really asking for love. Gary may have feelings for Brooke, but he never shows her love. His every action is motivated by his desires alone. He doesn’t realize his own inability to love until an honest friend bluntly (and refreshingly) reveals his character flaw to him.
On the other hand, all of Brooke’s actions are motivated by her desires to give and receive love. Dr. Chapman explains in his book that everyone has an emotional “love tank” that needs to be filled in order for the person to live a healthy, fulfilled life. When Brooke breaks up with Gary, she feels so unloved that her love tank is running on empty. In a frenzied attempt to inspire some gratitude and love from Gary and start refilling her love tank, Brooke becomes the opposite of a loving girlfriend. Predictably, her actions only elicit resentment and revenge.
At the end of the film, after Gary has had his revelation and prepared a nice dinner for Brooke in a last-ditch effort to redeem their relationship, Brooke tells Gary, “I don’t have any love left to give.” She finally realized her love tank is empty.
Watching this movie, though frustrating and annoying, did drive home the messages Matt and I have been learning about marriage from our studies. Here are the main ones that came up in this movie:
Speak your spouse’s “love language” and keep their “love tank” full
Anger and fighting are often a result of an unmet need. Create a safe space for your spouse to share that need and do your best to meet it.
I was never the girl that fantasized about what her wedding would be like–until I got married. Now, I get inexplicable joy from looking at wedding magazines, websites, and blogs.
Although I loved our wedding, I came across this article about a groom who surprised his bride with a wedding (yes, you read that right), and I was absolutely jealous. To me, there is nothing more romantic than a well-planned surprise. And when that surprise also happens to be your wedding? Hello, Romeo.
This is quite possibly definitelythe most romantic wedding story I’ve ever heard. I’m willing to bet there is a plethora of women out there who are wondering if this man has brothers. And there is probably an equal number of brides elbowing their grooms.
The other day I asked my Mr. Wonderful to stop by the drug store on his way home and pick up some vitamins and dishsoap. He came back with the requested goods and two Seattle Chocolate Truffle Bars.
I think what really sets apart a good chocolate is the texture, and I love smooth Seattle Chocolates are. Simply delectable. Definitely a welcome treat any day of the week.
I think I’ll write to Dr. Chapman and let him know he forgot one of the love languages: chocolate.
It’s no surprise that marital satisfaction does not remain at the same level throughout the lifetime of a marriage. But Matt and I were surprised to learn that most couples divorce just when their marital satisfaction is about to increase.
In general, marital satisfaction starts out high at the wedding, then steadily declines, reaching its lowest point at right about the middle of the couple’s life together: when they have teenagers. Most couples experiencing problems during their kids’ teen years decide to stick it out until the kids are out of the house, and divorce as soon as their kids are off to college. But what’s so tragic about this is that it’s at just about the time when some couples divorce that marital satisfaction generally begins to increase.
From the middle point onward, marital satisfaction keeps increasing, and at the end of life, marital satisfaction is higher than it was on the wedding day.
Les Parrott illustrated why satisfaction is higher by telling a story about a river rafting trip. He and some buddies decided to go river rafting, and didn’t know a thing about it. When surveying their trip options, they chose a trip that included a free barbecue dinner. It wasn’t until they strapped on their helmets that they realized they had chosen one of the most difficult, dangerous trips listed. Throughout the remainder of the trip, as they were plunged underwater and avoided deathly collision with the jagged rocks, all he could think about was getting back to shore. If he could have jumped out of the raft, climbed ashore, and called it quits, he would have. But they were in the middle of the wilderness and that was not an option, so down the river he went.
At the end of the trip, they were fed the barbecue dinner as advertised. After the main course, they gathered around the campfire for–you guessed it–S’MORES! S’mores are scrumptious anytime, but you can imagine how magical they would taste after such a harrowing experience. I think I would be face-down thanking the Lord above!
Sticking through the tough times, trusting the journey, can make the reward at the end feel that much more… well, rewarding.
I know couples get divorced for all sorts of reasons and at all stages of life, but knowing that it’s normal for marital satisfaction to dip and rise depending on life stage will hopefully provide us with some incentive to hang on when the waters get choppy.
Let me just start this post by saying that just the word “withhold” makes me uncomfortable.
Why? Because it has two h’s next to each other. What kind of word has two h’s next to each other?
I think this is the closest I come to understanding homophobes.
Moving on…
“Sharing Withholds” is an exercise the Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott introduced to us at the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar. The purpose of the exercise is to increase communication and allow your partner access to thoughts that you have had about him or her in the last 48 hours, but have not shared. These thoughts may be positive or negative, but the exercise works best when you balance any negative withholds with positive ones.
Here’s how to share withholds:
Partner 1 asks Partner 2 if he/she would like to share withholds. If it’s a good time, Partner 2 agrees.
Partner 1 begins by sharing a positive thought regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
Partner 1 shares a concern or frustration regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
Repeat steps 1-5 for Partner 2.
Neither partner responds to what their partner has shared (except to say “Thank you”) for 30 minutes after the withhold. If the partners would like to discuss their withholds further after the 30 minutes, they may.
So what does that really look like?
Here’s how Matt and I might share withholds:
Amber: Matt, would you like to share withholds?
Matt: Sure.
Amber: I really appreciate you cooking dinner last night. It was delicious and I enjoyed being able to read while you cooked.
Matt: Thank you.
Amber: I wish you wouldn’t leave your shoes in the middle of the doorway. I tripped on them this morning and almost fell.
Matt: Thank you. I really appreciated you doing the laundry yesterday. I told you I would do it, but it was nice to have it done when I got home.
Amber: Thank you.
Matt: There was some of your hair in the sink this morning. I wish you would clean it out when you’re done in the bathroom.
Amber: Thank you.
THE END.
That was a pretty tame example, but you can see how the structure of this exercise is useful for bringing up more controversial topics. The thirty-minute rule provides the person sharing the withhold with a sense of emotional safety; he or she knows the concern will not be attacked. The time also provides time for tempers to cool, deflecting the immediate self-defense response. After thirty minutes, both parties are in a better position to hold a productive discussion.
This exercise is something I’m glad Matt and I have in our marriage toolkit. There are a lot of times when I think something nice about Matt, but am unable to share it at the moment I think it. And there are times, too, when I may want to bring up something not-so-nice, but I’m not quite sure how or when to do it. I know that Matt feels the same, and I want him to have the opportunity to share what’s on his mind with me .
What do you think about sharing withholds? You don’t have to do it with your husband/wife, either. It works equally well with family members, or even roommates. I dare you to try it and tell me the results!
Yes, we finally made it to the marriage seminar, and now we will never have marital problems.
Not.
But hopefully we’ll have less.
Truthfully, we learned a lot. Les and Leslie Parrott not only spoke about general relationship dynamics and personality traits, they gave examples of concrete exercises couples could use to strengthen communication and understanding. We’ll share more about what we learned in detail, but let’s concentrate on one thing at a time.
The Parrotts kicked off the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar by dispelling the common myths about marriage.
The number one marriage myth that couples believe going into marriage is “We expect the same things.” The Parrott’s explained that in every marriage, couples enter the relationship with unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are your assumed “code of conduct.” If your spouse were to violate an unspoken rule, your reaction would be “We don’t do it that way.” Unconscious roles are the expectations husbands and wives place on each other’s behavior, based on their idea of what a husband or wife should do. If a wife doesn’t perform the duties a husband expects, it can leave him feeling unloved (and vice versa).
The tricky thing about unspoken rules and unconscious roles is that it’s almost impossible to know what they are until they are violated. And when they are violated, we usually have a very strong reaction, because they are deeply rooted in family tradition.
For example, what happens when you marry someone who adamantly believes the Christmas tree should be adorned with white lights, while you consider it sacrilege to have a tree that isn’t strung with colored lights? Or what happens when you grew up in a home with a handyman father, and suddenly you’re living with a man who doesn’t know the difference between a flat and a Phillips head screwdriver? (Ok, I’m not sure a man like that really exists, but what if?)
These issues may seem small to an outsider, but to someone who has deeply-rooted expectations for their partner’s behavior, these trespasses are upsetting.
Of course, it’s hard to consciously think of expectations that rest in the subconscious, but I don’t think Matt and I have many unspoken rules or subconscious roles. For the most part, we take each other as we are and try not to project expectations based on family history. We want to find what works for us.
But there are certainly some unspoken rules that have been revealed.
Such as the “passenger is co-pilot” rule. When driving somewhere I’ve never been, or when lost, I expect Matt to be able to keep an eye out for signs, read a map, locate where we are and where we’re going, and give timely directions. I try not to need the help, but it puts me at ease to know that if something were to happen, I’ve got a partner by my side who is aware and can help me solve problems. This concern never crossed Matt’s mind, however. He’s happy to spend the length of the trip in conversation, and doesn’t think about whether we missed our exit or were supposed to turn right or left. He rests that responsibility in my hands and pays attention to me instead of the road.
I vaguely remember a car ride when I was lost and exasperated and told Matt (nicely, I’m sure ) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.
I’m sure we’ll encounter more unspoken rules and unconscious roles as our marriage progresses, but hopefully we’ll be able to recognize them, discuss them, and respect each other’s needs and differences.
Last weekend Matt and I cashed in a bunch of loose change at a Coinstar machine and turned it into an Amazon.com gift certificate. We’d like to use it for a couple marriage books. What books do you recommend we get?
Posted on Wednesday, January 20th, 2010 by MrsWonderful
Posted in Blog | Tags: Books | 3 Comments »
Friday marked the completion of our second month of marriage, and the completion of our second marriage book, 
There’s nothing quite like witnessing a dysfunctional couple to make you happy for what you have.
) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.