Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
I love the old big band swing and romantic crooners from the 1930s to ’50s. I can think of nothing more romantic than dancing to these classics in front of a glowing fire, and I knew I wanted to do this at our wedding reception. There was only one small problem: I didn’t know a thing about dancing. Neither did Matt.
Lessons were kind of out of the question, because Matt was still living in Tacoma at the beginning of our engagement, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to get home anywhere from 9:00-11:00 at night. Weekends were consumed with running errands and getting things done that we couldn’t get done during the week, or just plain sleeping in and recovering from the week. So how were we going to learn how to dance?
Mr Wonderful and I both agree that our wedding day couldn’t have gone by any faster. It was a complete blur. It seems a shame that one of the biggest days of our lives passed so quickly. But thankfully, we hired someone to help us cement those fleeting precious moments in our memory forever: our photographer.
Or, I should say, photographers. Tasha Owen Photography consists of Tasha and her husband Tom, but a couple of their apprentices occasionally accompany them on shoots. Their apprentice Rebecca called Tasha right before our wedding and asked if she could come along. We ended up with three top-notch photographers–who could ask for more?
When choosing a wedding photographer, Matt and I knew that the quality of the work was important (especially for a winter wedding, which wouldn’t guarantee the advantage of natural light), but our rapport with the person behind the camera was crucial. We needed to feel comfortable inviting whoever we hired into every part of one of the most sacred days of our lives, because they would be following us more closely than anyone else that day. If we weren’t comfortable with our photographers, we knew it would not only blemish our day, but show up in our pictures as well. Who wants to look anything but natural and giddy in their wedding photos?
I knew from Amy’s wedding that Tasha and Tom are a great team, and that they are fantastic to work with. Amy’s concerns about her wedding photography were similar to mine, and she was thrilled with Tasha and Tom throughout the process, from the first meeting to picking up her proofs. I was hopeful that Matt and I would have the same experience. Our first meeting with Tasha confirmed that we would. Matt is sometimes reserved around new people, but Tasha’s easy effervescence was able to animate him. I knew we had found our photographers.
We couldn’t have chosen better people to be part of our day. The joy that they bring to their work acts in harmony with the joy of the occasion to create superb art and a splendid experience. Even Rebecca, whom we had never met, was a joy to have there, and she gave us some stunning shots.
We ended up with a collection of quite varied photos, because after the ceremony we hopped in Tom and Tasha’s van and they taxied us to the reception, but not without stopping along the way to take pictures, of course! We were so glad that they knew Tacoma, so they not only knew their way around, but were able to think of good locations for photos. Tasha thought of the graffiti-covered container off of 56th and Sheridan, and when we hopped out of the van, all the elements worked in her favor to create a great artistic shot with our shadows. After that quick stop, we headed over to Hotel Murano and Ruston Way. All in all, we left the church at 3:00 and reached the reception by 3:45, trailing our guests by only about twenty minutes, and the quality, number and variety of photos we have is incredible!
I could go on and on about how wonderful Tasha Owen Photography is, but I should probably just show you.
Graffiti at 56th and Sheridan. Well-spotted, Tasha!
Love the colors in this one!
One of Matt's favorites. Rebecca did the balcony shots.
There is a series of pew shots like this. All of them are great!
Matt and I love to watch the cake decorating shows on the Food Network (and occasionally on TLC), and we’ve even tried our hand at some cake decorating ourselves, so we knew when we got engaged that a stunning wedding cake was a must-have for our wedding. We looked around Tacoma to see what local bakeries had to offer, and we knew immediately that Celebrity Cake Studio would be the best place to get our cake.
I handled a lot of the details of our wedding, but this was one area of the wedding that Matt definitely wanted to be involved. Literally while I spoke with the florist, Matt doodled out a concept for our cake. He decided to play up the seasonal timing of our wedding, going with a “Winter Wonderland” theme for the cake. Matt designed a cake that would look like it had glittering icicles hanging from the top and blocks of ice around the base of each tier. Intricate snowflakes of all sizes would whirl around the cake from bottom to top, as though caught in a swirling winter wind. And, of course, the flavor would be our favorite, red velvet.
Drawing in hand, we walked into Celebrity Cake Studio and went over the details. We were content to hire them based on looks alone, because their work is gorgeous, but as soon as we took that first savory bite of their moist, melt-in-your-mouth cake, we were more than sold. We selected a cream cheese filling and decided on fondant icing to give the cake a neat and clean look. After all was decided and our order turned in, we could hardly wait until our wedding day, just to see that cake!
When we walked into the reception, one of the first things I wanted to see was the cake. And oh, what a cake it was.
It was stunning. Completely elegant. I was amazed by each perfect snowflake and the sparkling icicles and ice blocks. It was perfect. I almost didn’t want to cut it. …Almost.
Probably one of my biggest points of anxiety while I was wedding planning was what I would do with my hair. I literally had nightmares about my wedding-day hair. (Including one in which Matt decided to “help” me by cutting my hair for me the day before the wedding, and I ended up with an asymmetrical inverted bob. Shiver.)
For about a year, I had been growing out my hair, keeping in the back of my mind that if I got married, I would have long enough hair to do a nice up-do. But then summer rolled around, I had no idea when I could expect a proposal, and I was hot and tired of having to take care of so much hair. It’s thick and heavy and takes forever to dry, so I usually just pulled it up. In light of this, I decided to go to a salon and get more than just a trim. I wanted it to be shoulder-length again.
I think I look better with longer hair, but I have to admit that it is a heavenly feeling to run your fingers through short hair, get your head wet and not cause considerable neck strain, and blow dry in under 10 minutes. I still mourned my lost locks, but I couldn’t deny that it felt better without them.
Then, a couple weeks later, we got engaged. We set the date for four months away. I wanted my hair back.
I suppose I could have gotten extensions, if I was really that concerned about having an up-do on my wedding day. But let’s face it: extensions are expensive, and I don’t know how I feel about having hair attached to my head that is not my own. I’d rather just figure out what to do with my hair the way it is.
I had no idea where to find a stylist that I could trust to do my hair on my wedding day. It’s the most photographed day of my life, and I wanted to be sure that I got a stylist with the expertise to make my hair behave, and the personal taste to give me a style that would look elegant and not outdated. I decided to start by doing a trial run with the gal who gave me my last hair cut.
It was a new salon Amy and I had tried, and I really have no idea what the stylist’s credentials are, but it seemed to me during the trial run that she wasn’t confident in what she was doing. As she worked with my hair, she looked at it and picked at it as though she really wasn’t sure what she should do with it. It seemed like she lacked the vision of a professional who can see the final product in their mind and knows how to work toward it. I left the salon with an up-do, but I had a mess of bobby-pins in my hair and got a headache on the way home.
A couple months later the salon called to tell me that the stylist was no longer with the salon. I took this as an opportunity to try to find a more seasoned pro. I fretted for a couple weeks over who I would call. I didn’t have the cash to keep paying different salons for trial runs, and I didn’t want to run around to every salon in town looking at portfolios. A friend had mentioned FoxFire Salon, and just kind of on instinct, I decided to make an appointment for a haircut and bridal consultation there. I figured I could go in for a trim and consulation, and if I wasn’t happy I could find another salon.
Luckily, I loved the experience. The first thing I noticed that put me at ease was that I loved the hair of all of the girls who worked there. How far could they go wrong with mine?
Just as I had hoped, my haircut was great (the stylist actually found and fixed a lot of mistakes the other stylist had made) and I had a great experience during the consultation. Amanda, who specializes in bridal styles, was excellent at checking to make sure we were on the same page. I didn’t feel bullied or bossed around at all, and she really caught the vision of what I wanted. I was finally able to put to rest my nightmares of wedding day hair disasters.
When the big day came, Amanda did an excellent job. Her friendliness and professionalism put me at ease, and I was able to just sit and relax, trusting that she wouldn’t let me out the door looking less than perfect. My hair turned out excellent and didn’t give me a headache at all. Couldn’t be happier with her work.
One of the best ideas I had for our wedding was to create “warm wishes” cards for our guests to write messages to us. I had no idea how they would go over when I made them, but I wanted to provide our guests a way to communicate with us, even if we didn’t get a chance to really speak with them at the wedding. I wanted our guests to know that we were glad that they were there, and we wanted them to feel like participants in our day. So I created a bunch of cards to place at the tables at the reception, hoping that people would pick up the pens and write us something.
The day after the wedding, before we opened our gifts, Matt and I read through the messages left by our friends and family. We were moved by how many people took the time to write something to us. We could tell that the warm wishes, advice, and encouragement they gave us were heartfelt and thought-out. I’m planning on hanging onto all of these cards and re-reading them on our anniversaries.
Here are just some of the great messages we received.
Conscious Marriage:
Every year make goals together.
Every year talk about the things you both love.
Every year go on a vacation for just the two of you.
Every year celebrate the day you met.
Every night kiss each other goodnight.
—
<arguments>Amber wins</arguments>
—
(This one’s in reference to our Halloween costumes)
Amelia Earhart (Amber) and the Invisible Man (Matt)
Dear Amelia Earheart and the Invisible Man,
Amber, this one’s a keeper. Don’t let him disappear. My prayers are with you both as you embark on this extraordinary journey called marriage. Love one another well and remember that every day you have with each other is truly a blessing. I hope your love grows stronger as the days turn into years and you continue to lean on one another. Matt, be a diligent copilot. Don’t let her fly solo for too long. Congratulations and good luck for the seasons to come!
—
The joy you share today will carry you far, but there may come a moment when you look at each other and think, Hmmm, who is this person? At those moments, know you are carried through the by the deep, abiding love you showed today, as well as the love we all have for you. Love is not a feeling alone, but a choice. Choose to give the best of yourselves to each other, even when it hurts or is scary. Remember to laugh–what looks grim and serious can be less so when you can see the laughter.
—
You both look so happy today. Keep that feeling, cherish it, and it can get you through a lot. Live life and love like no one is watching except yourselves. Talk to one another, and never let anything sit between you.
After we said goodbye to Evin and Laura, Matt and I explored the hotel a bit. One of the great things about the hotel is that it has a large collection of art, most of which is glass. From where we sat in the bar, we could see that there were at least two upper levels with art displays, so we ventured up to take a look.
We had decided not to change out of our wedding clothes just yet. I figured that if I was only allowed to wear my wedding dress for one day, I was going to make it last! Especially since, aside from Amy’s wedding, it was the only time I had ever worn a formal gown. So as we walked around the hotel,we were well aware that we stood out in the crowd, even among the many people parading about in formal attire for the holiday balls happening that night.
We enjoyed looking at and talking about the art on the first and second stories, and we were just about finished with the third storey, when a married couple came storming out of the nearby hallway.
“You guys haven’t consummated it yet? Come on!” shouted the man. “I saw you walking around here earlier. Get a room!”
The woman giggled stupidly.
Matt and I were both taken aback, but ready to dismiss the man’s drunken exclamations as nothing more than the blabber of an overgrown frat boy. We ignored them and continued to look at the last piece of art while they lumbered by. To our dismay, however, they took a seat on a nearby bench, where they continued to speak loudly.
“You have to do it now, because in eleven years you’ll be like us and you’ll never want to do it.” Turning to his wife, he said, “I bet they think it’s going to be all kisses and cuddles forever. I bet they think–HAHAHA!–I bet they think they’re going to stay so in love! But after eleven years they’ll be just like us. Hahaha!”
Matt and I just sighed and stood for a while longer, trying our best to ignore them. Not wanting to pass by them, we turned and walked around the corner into the hallway, where we found some elevators. While waiting for the elevator to reach our floor, we heard someone running toward the hallway. Who do you think would appear, but the drunk man’s giggly wife. She stood in the hallway and glanced at us, smiling like a schoolgirl who thinks she’s getting away with mischief. We entered our elevator and, much to our chagrin, she followed. Her husband lagged behind, and when he finally stumbled into the elevator, she had the gall to turn to us and ask, “So how’s your night going?”
Matt muttered “Fine,” as he pressed the 25 button and I tried to avoid all acknowledgment of their existence. Luckily, it didn’t take very long to get to the 18th floor, where we shoved them out of the elevator, pressed the button to close the doors, and continued on our way to the top. Ok, so we didn’t actually shove them. But we should have.
Our wedding day hecklers were just giving voice to the messages that our society sends us about marriage today. It’s a sad but true fact that most marriages today are pretty miserable, and misery loves company. But just because that may be our hecklers’ fate, doesn’t mean it has to be ours. We’re entering into our marriage with the knowledge that it will not be easy, and the willingness to do what it takes to make our marriage the best that it can be.
I can guarantee you, in eleven years we will not be drunk, sitting on a bench in a hotel heckling some bride and groom. We’ll be in our own hotel room with a “Do Not Disturb” tag on the door handle.
When my mom was planning my bridal shower, she found a game that requires the bride and groom to answer a set of questions separately, and then you compare their answers, seeing how many of their answers are the same. We didn’t end up playing the game at the shower, but Matt and I aced it. All but one or two of our answers were exactly the same, and the two that weren’t exactly the same were our second guesses. We know each other well.
One of the questions was “Who wears the pants in the relationship?” While I’m sure the question was designed to stir up some good-humored controversy, Matt’s and my response was “We share the pants.”
And it’s true. We consult one another whenever possible. We try to be on the same page. But while we chuckled at the image of us sharing pants, we had no idea that some real-life foreshadowing was going on.
I mentioned before that in the whirlwind of the day, Matt and I did not completely have our belongings prepared for after the wedding. We headed off to the hotel without much thought as to what we would need. I didn’t think of it until we got to the hotel, but I didn’t have a hanger or garment bag for my dress, and no bags to put my dress’s undergarments in, either. I didn’t think too much of this, just hung my dress as well as I could from he hotel’s hangers, and stuffed my garments in my suitcase. Matt did the same with his tux, and we figured we’d just have to carry them out like that the next morning. At least our event was over and it didn’t matter how they looked.
But the next morning I realized I had forgotten something even more important. I began to get dressed in my ordinary clothes and realized, standing there in my underwear, that I had forgotten my pants. Uh oh.
The morning of the wedding, I had put on a clean pair of pants, planning on packing them up after I put on my dress, so I could wear them the next day. Well, in the hustle and bustle, my clothes never made it into my suitcase.
Visions of checking out of the hotel in my underwear flashed through my head and I began to panic. I told Matt to call my dad and have him bring me my pants. When my dad picked up and Matt explained the scenario, I could hear my dad’s laughter through the phone.
“Please bring me my pants!” I pleaded urgently into the phone.
We had just twenty minutes to check out, and if he was going to bring my pants, he needed to do it now.
My dad proposed that I just wear Matt’s pants to check out and then I could change when I got to their house. I was not thrilled with this idea–man pants aren’t flattering or very comfortable. But Matt surrendered his pants for me to try on.
What do you know, they fit. Not great. They are definitely man pants, and I certainly didn’t feel very attractive, but I could wear them home.
So we shared the pants. I wore Matt’s pants, and he wore his tux pants. We quickly checked out of the hotel and made it home, where I slipped on my own blue jeans and breathed a sigh of relief. My own pants have never felt so good.
Me in Matt's pants, still gripping my wedding dress.
When Mr. Wonderful and I arrived at our hotel after the reception, we checked in at the front desk and I handed them a gift card for the hotel. I had gotten the gift card through a website called Seattle Half Off, which sells gift cards for certain hotels, restaurants, and services for about half of their value. When the card arrived in the mail, I wanted to make sure I had it with me when we arrived at the hotel, so I removed the gift card from the paper card case it was nestled in, and slipped it in my clutch, which I would be sure to have with me when we left the reception. I slid the card across the front desk, and the receptionist asked if I had the paper it came in. Apparently, as the receptionist informed me, the cards don’t have any information on them, so she doesn’t know what it was for without the paper slip that came with it.
I was shocked. Who hands out gift cards that look just like any other gift card, with magnetic strip and all, but are really nothing but a piece of plastic? The piece of paper it came in was in the “Everything Binder,” which contained all the information about the wedding. I didn’t know the location of the binder, but I hoped that if I called my parents, they would be able to find it, because we wouldn’t be able to check out without that stupid slip of paper.
I called my folks and they had just arrived at home and were unloading the cars. My mom found the binder and the slip of paper I needed. Thankfully, Evin and Laura were there, so we bribed them to bring us the piece of paper in exchange for a drink at the hotel bar. In the end, it worked out beautifully. Matt and I lounged on the couches in the bar with Evin and Laura, going over the “roses and thorns” of the day with drinks in hand. And actually, I think that may be one of my favorite memories of our wedding day, because we were still all dressed up in our wedding attire, and a sense of celebration was still in the air, but we were able to completely relax and be with our best friends. There were no expectations placed on us, no agenda. Just the best company we could ask for on the biggest day of our lives.
Despite the confusion with the gift card, our hotel experience was great. The bartender brought us some complimentary crab and artichoke dip, because we didn’t get a chance to eat very much at the reception, and she was excellent at recommending tasty drinks. Even though we had reserved a standard room, we were upgraded to a north-facing larger room on the very top floor. And we took advantage of the valet service, so we didn’t have to worry about finding parking, which was scarce due to numerous events in the area.
The day had both roses and thorns, but Mr. Wonderful and I agree that the bouquet of roses far outshines the thorns.
If there is one piece of advice I would give to future brides, it would be to DELEGATE. Even the stupid stuff that you think you can do on your own. When the day comes and everything is being thrown at you at once and you are overcome with emotion because this is probably the biggest day of your life, you will not be able to do those little things you thought you would.
One of my biggest regrets is not making more use of my attendants. If I were to do it over, I would assign each attendant one detail of the wedding and make sure she had solid knowledge of how I wanted that detail to be handled. I had a clear idea of how I wanted things to go, but I was the only one who knew it, so if there was ever any question, I was the only one to consult. This put a lot of pressure on me, and also ate up my attention and time.
For example, I would assign someone to work with the DJ to make sure he had the proper instructions for ceremony music timing, reception music selection, etc. The little snafu that happened with the ceremony music was not the DJ’s fault, but mine. I knew the ceremony plan, and the thought had crossed my mind that the end of the ceremony might be confusing to the DJ, because when it looked like we were ready to recess, the pastor still had to do the benediction and blessing and some announcements. And when we got to the reception and the DJ was playing some music I didn’t want played, I realized I should have been more specific about what I wanted.
I also would have had some of my bridal party help me put together my “Bridal Emergency Kit.” When it came down to it, I didn’t have enough time to get everything in there. One of the things that was excluded was some Tide To-Go. At the time I was trying to put together the kit, I didn’t really have time or energy to go to the store and get some, but I thought, “Oh, it’ll probably be fine.” And what do you know, but I got some lipstick on my dress, and my mom noticed it right before I was supposed to go out for pictures. What could we do? We didn’t have anything to get it off with, so I just had to suck it up and hope no one noticed.
Another thing I would be sure to delegate is making sure everything Mr. Wonderful and I needed when we left the reception was packed and ready to go in our car. This includes our overnight bags, wallet/purse, information for the hotel, clothes hangers and garment bags, etc. When the time came for us to leave, we hastily collected the first things we thought of that we might need, and headed off to the hotel. My parents tried their hardest to make sure everything was in the car, but they had so many things to tote around as it was, and so many people to direct and talk to, that they were not the best people for the job. Handing one of the attendants the keys to our car and having them take care of that would have been a huge help.
So, being one of the first ones of my friends to get married, I hope future brides are able to benefit from my lesson learned. Use your help! They’re called attendants for a reason, let them attend to you.
After getting our hair done, Laura and I were the first of the girls to enter the church and head downstairs to the nursery, where we would finish getting ready. While my mom and dad ran around the church taking care of who knows what details, Laura and I milled about the nursery, trying to stay warm under the overhead heater hanging from the ceiling.
The heater was in a reading corner equipped with a rocking chair and small bookshelf. Laura and I both soon discovered that the heater wasn’t the only thing that was hot about that corner. On top of the bookshelf of children’s books there was a shockingly sizable mound of steamy romance novels (including, appropriately, one titled Veiled Desires). Quickly bored by the selection atop the shelf, Laura perused the children’s books until she declared she had found Scuffy the Tugboat.
Now, I’ve read a good many Golden Books in my day, but I didn’t remember the story of Scuffy the Tugboat, so Laura invited me to story time. Taking a seat in the nearest available chair–a foam Disney princess armchair with a seat about the width of my thigh–I listened as Laura read the story of Scuffy, a toy tugboat who thought he was made for bigger things than bathtubs.
About an hour later, when I was about to cry, someone told me to think of Scuffy the Tugboat. “Scuffy” was the word I repeated to myself as I waited in the nursery for the ceremony to begin, as I heard that my grandpa had made it to the ceremony, as I waited at the bottom of the stairs in the church foyer for my entrance. If I had not had something to make me laugh and mildly distract me, I’m not sure I would have been able to hold it together as much as I did. The emotions of the day were so overwhelming, but I couldn’t allow myself to give in to them fully, or I would have been a red-nosed, puffy-eyed mess the whole day.
So I thank God for bringing Laura and Scuffy across my path to help me get through this momentous day in my life. They helped me in a way I didn’t even know I needed.
