Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
Is it stealing if you take a flower from the yard at your apartment building?
Yesterday I took the dogs outside and stood staring at a shrub while the dogs sniffed the grass at my feet.
How could I have missed it before? It was as big as a tree and covered in large, lush leaves and plush round, creamy flowers. Gorgeous.
I stepped closer to examine the flowers, already imagining it sitting in a glass of water on our dining table. Glancing around at the nearby sidewalks and up to the open windows of the apartment building, I wondered if it would be wrong to take a blossom. I live here, I thought. If I can’t take one, who can? I looked at the abundance of blossoms on the plant. No one would even notice.
I wouldn’t feel guilty for taking one. (Ok, maybe a little guilty.) But I didn’t want to get caught. So I left them alone.
That night after dinner, Matt walked out the door with the dogs and a pair of scissors in his pocket. I had told him of the plant and the flowers. He returned minutes later with a bloom sprouting from his coat pocket.
What I find interesting about these flowers is that they are so full and flush with petals for having grown on such a large plant.I wish I was better at identifying plants. I still am not sure exactly what these flowers are called, but the closest thing my Internet research pulled up was Japanese Camellia.
Friday marked the completion of our second month of marriage, and the completion of our second marriage book, “The Five Love Languages.”
The book has been around for a while, and it is such a huge success that I would venture to guess that if you haven’t heard about it, you’re in the minority. But just in case you’re not familiar with the book, I’ll summarize.
Everyone gives and receives love in particular ways, and when love is shown to us in these particular ways, we feel loved. As Dr. Chapman described it, everyone has an emotional “love tank.” Our love tank is filled by others expressing love to us in ways we recognize. People cannot live healthy, fulfilled lives without a full love tank.
Dr. Chapman claims that, in general, people express love in five general ways, or five “languages.”
The five love languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
If you’re like me, you probably read through that list and thought, “But I like all of those things! How could I speak just one?”
Most people have a single dominant love language that speaks the most powerfully to them. Within that, they may even speak a certain “dialect,” meaning that there may be even more particular ways they express or recognize love.
It is also common to have a strong secondary love language. You may not prefer it as strongly as the first, but if it was neglected, you would notice.
I knew immediately that my primary love language is physical touch. I have longed to be cuddled from the day I was born. I remember often sidling up to my mom on the couch and asking her to scratch my back. I needed to be touched. I needed the constant, reassuring contact of her hand brushing across my back.
Once I identified my primary love language, I wondered if I had a dialect. I realized that the most significant touches to me are those that are conscious. When I give Matt a back massage, I give him my attention. As my hands move, I’m thinking about how it might feel to him, what muscles might be tense. I ask for feedback or look for cues to see what areas need what kind of touch. I’m thinking about him and consciously expressing my love through touch. So, likewise, I feel the most loved when someone touches me in a way that makes me feel as though they are thinking of me. For example, I love cuddling on the couch with Matt while we’re watching a movie. But if he puts his arm around me and just lightly strokes my arm, too, my love tank starts filling at lightning speed.
Matt and I are fortunate, because my primary love language is his secondary love language, and my secondary love language is his primary love language.
Matt’s primary love language is quality time. I sometimes wondered why it seemed so imperative that I accompany him to the store. He’s perfectly capable of running to the store to get what we need! But because of this book, it dawned on me that he wants me to come along because of his need for quality time. No matter what we are doing, or where we are going, what really matters to Matt is that we’re spending time together.
I remember one Saturday we spent wandering around downtown Seattle. We didn’t have a particular destination in mind, but as we walked and talked, I realized I had no clue where we were.
“Where are we?” I asked, looking around at the towering office buildings. There wasn’t anything particularly interesting about the area, and most of the buildings seemed shut down for the weekend.
“I don’t know where the hell we are, but I’m having fun!” was Matt’s gung-ho reply.
It’s a moment we still bring up today.
Matt and I would recommend “The Five Love Languages” to anyone and everyone. It’s such an interesting read, full of helpful anecdotes that illustrate the love languages at work. The book prompted a lot of self-reflection for us, and also made close observers of each other.
I think this book will help us a lot in the long-run by prompting us to be aware of each other’s “love tank” and how to keep it filled. If you haven’t read it yet, DO IT!
We aren’t doing any favors. Wedding favors, that is.
At first I just completely forgot about them. And when I saw the common wedding favors in wedding shops and online, I wasn’t impressed. It’s a lot of extra expense for something that most people are just going to throw away, anyway. Unless you get something that’s actually cool. And I couldn’t think of any favors that would be cool, but also cost-effective.
So we’re not doing favors. I figure everyone who we invited should be coming to our wedding because they want to support us, not so they can get a trinket. While having cool favors would be nice, I don’t think our guests are going to complain or regret coming if they don’t get a favor.
Matt found these prints in a shop near his work, and they are now hanging up in our apartment.
How could you see them and not smile? Between this and the monster print we hung over the weekend, I think our place’s style is turning out to be quite playful.
This weekend we will be taking a trip to IKEA to get some basic furniture for the new place. Nearly all of Matt’s furniture from his studio was from IKEA, and it worked perfectly in his very small space. While the 1-bedroom is a bit bigger, it still doesn’t have a lot of room, and we want to use the space efficiently, so it’s back to IKEA for these basic pieces:
Is it stealing if you take a flower from the yard at your apartment building?
Friday marked the completion of our second month of marriage, and the completion of our second marriage book, 
