I think part of the reason I couldn’t look away is because the mister and I have changed so much. And I don’t think I fully appreciated that until I was looking at the evidence of the difference. I turned 26 last December, and I’m no longer in my early twenties. I’m not sure it’s what I expected it would be. I think I had this perception that I would suddenly know Important Adult Things. Like how to fix the toilet that won’t stop running. Or what type of retirement fund I need and how much I should contribute. Or whether I should even bother trying to save for a house right now. Or if we’re ready to start a family. (Yikes.)

I may not be sure about those things, but while I was looking through pictures I realized that I have made some significant progress in the past several years.

Things I took away from my early 20s:

• Don’t fight your hair. Too heavy and long and wavy? Chop it! Let it be free! You look good.
• Don’t rely on ice cream and Oprah to make you feel better. The ice cream will make you fat and Oprah won’t be around forever.
• All that P.E. they made you do in school wasn’t just to make you feel bad about yourself and be smelly and sweaty in 6th period. Working out is actually an important part of adult life.  And if you’re not exercising with a bunch of other sweaty teenagers, you might actually enjoy it.
• It is possible to be with a man and have absolutely no doubt that he loves you more than the world. And he’s worth finding and keeping, no matter how unconventional the means.
• It’s not really marriage unless you can fart in front of each other.
• Don’t be so nervous about getting it right.  Do your best and forget the rest.
• Dance! You’ll love it.
• The bus isn’t all that scary.
• Routine is good. Set some rules for yourself.
• Don’t get in a rut. Try something new.
• Don’t be afraid to go to counseling. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re not going to settle for less than your potential. And it will be one of the best things you’ve ever done.
• You’re going to need more bookshelves.
• You have a lot more stuff at your parents’ house than you think.
• Try to learn to live simply, and don’t buy into the “more” culture. A strategic “less” is more relaxing.
• On the other hand, there are things you will eventually not be able to do without. Your own washer/dryer is one of them. And a deeper sink. And a private yard.
• There was a time when you thought, “This is the best I am ever going to look.” You’re incorrect. Never believe that. You’re worth feeling and looking fantastic every day.
• Love your friends and family deeply. Enjoy the role they have in your life, no matter how it has changed or will change over the years. They’re worth it.

Can’t wait to see what new things I’ll learn before I turn 30.

What things did you learn in your early 20s?

HR: Has marriage changed you?

MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love marriage,” and I said, “No, I think marriage is ridiculous; I think it’s a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being married to my wife — she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but if she ever left me, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to spend your life with one person and not be totally driven crazy.

When I read this, it makes no sense at all to me. Why would you get married if you think marriage is ridiculous? And why do you say it’s so ridiculous if you love it so much? Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, or maybe I’ve just been conditioned to accept marriage as a social norm, but I see nothing weird about marriage. Well, at least nothing that’s any weirder than anything else we do in life.

If you think about anything too long, it becomes weird. Owning pets, for example. That’s kind of weird. Having children is really weird. But they are normal parts of life. What if the conversation had gone something like this:

HR: Has having children changed you?

MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love your kids ,” and I said, “No, I think my kids are ridiculous; I think having kids is a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being a father — my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, but if they ever died, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to live your life for completely dependent people and not be totally driven crazy.

The thing is, it’s only ridiculous to be married or have kids if you hold independence as an ideal, or if you want no-strings-attached love.

The truth is, marriage requires a selflessness that goes against our selfish instincts. When we’re “in love,” selflessness comes easily, but once that “in love” phase fades away, we revert back to our selfish desires. This is the point in which we might start to be driven crazy.

But the fact that marriage requires us to be better people doesn’t make it ridiculous. It just makes it hard.

What do you think? Is marriage weird?

We sat down and I filled in our information on the form. I wrote in Matt’s information first: name, birth date, etc. Then I got to my portion of the form, and it asked for my name, and then had a box for my maiden name. I was slightly confused. If I was taking his last name, was I supposed to write my name with his last name, and then put my (soon-to-be) maiden name on the “maiden name” line? I had automatically written my name, and then questioned it when I got to the “maiden name” line. Matt thought I was supposed to use his last name.

I am planning on taking Matt’s last name. I don’t have a philosophical stance on whether women should or should not take their husband’s last name. I think that’s up to the individual woman to decide. I had always planned on taking my husband’s last name, partly because, unless his name was horrible, I would finally be free of “short” jokes. (You know I would be keeping my last name if his was Butts or something… In which case, even hyphenating would be disasterous.) Hyphenating seems like a good idea, but my maiden name is difficult to hyphenate with, as any adjective name would be. Also, there is the issue of then what are your children’s last names going to be? Will they be given the hypenated version? What if they get married and want to hyphenate? Three hyphens?! It gets a little out of control.

But as I sat there, facing the possibility of putting my new name on an official form for the first time, I felt a slight hesitation. I felt almost like I was going to lose part of myself, or like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I know that sounds uber-dramatic. It’s just a name, right? But all of my accomplishments were under my maiden name. All of my friends know me under my maiden name. That was the name I scribbled on paper with a thick crayon when I first learned how to write. It was the name enscribed on the safety bracelet I wore around when I was very young. When I learned my identity, it was under that name. I was that name.

My new name has no history. It’s completely new to me. So of course I feel a bit detached from it. My new name is tied to my future, rather than my past. And the future is… well, who  knows?

I asked Matt if he would change his name to mine. Of course, he immediately said no. I figured as much, but I asked why, just for clarification. And his response was basically the reason I wanted to change my name:  I have a name that gets made into lame jokes. But if I had an average or maybe even “cool” name would he change it? I don’t know, I didn’t ask. Probably not, though. Because  if our patriarchal society’s customs pressure men to keep their identity and save them the hassle of changing their name, they’ll use it to their advantage.

We asked the clerk which name I was supposed to write, and she said it was my maiden name. So for now, I have some more time to get used to the idea. I’m sure I’ll warm up to my new name once we’re married and begin to build our own family history. But for now, I’m enjoying my last couple weeks of being who I’ve always been.

]]> http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2009/11/identity-crisis/feed/ 0 http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2009/11/now-i-understand-why-people-elope/ http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2009/11/now-i-understand-why-people-elope/#comments Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:07:27 +0000 MrsWonderful http://www.amberlinedesign.com/mrandmrswonderful/?p=132 Continue reading →]]> Now that the wedding date is less than a month away, in the last leg of the marathon from Dreamland to Realityville, I’m getting a clearer picture of exactly how things will play out on the big day, and how they can go wrong. As my dad informed me: something will go wrong, and it will probably be something you didn’t expect. But the most important thing that happens is that we get married, right?

Except that if something does go wrong, there will be lots of witnesses. And if something does go wrong, there are no do-overs. The wedding will only happen once, and whatever happens that day will be IT. It will be the unchangeable, unfixable, and unforgettable past. Part of the story of our lives, the story of how our marriage started. And if something big goes wrong, something that everyone notices, it could be part of what all our dearest family and friends remember about our union as well.

I have to admit that when my sister Amy was getting married, I didn’t understand the anxiety she had about being the center of attention. In a room full of strangers, sure, that’s understandable. But these are people you know! Who care about you! Many of them you’ve known forever! No problem, right?

Wrong.

I think I already knew this in the back of my mind when I started making the guest list. I wanted to keep it small. Because I knew that with every additional guest I would be adding worry to my day. Not just because of the standard concerns that large guest lists bring (added cost, larger ceremony and reception sites, the awkward presence of people you don’t know, etc), but because of the principles my mother has drilled into me about being a hostess. I have a responsibility, spoken or unspoken, to show my guests a good time. Keep everyone happy. Make sure they’re not bored.  Make sure they don’t leave. Make it quick in case they have other plans for that day. Make sure I at least say “hello” to everyone, if not have some sort of conversation with them. There is a lot, apparently, expected of me, and the amount increases with every additional person in attendance.

Add to that multiple unknown and uncontrollable factors that must be managed. Including, but not limited to, the fact that Matt’s family may or may not be coming, and may or may not be crammed into our 1 bedroom apartment in the couple days leading up to the wedding, and we may or may not see them again soon, and emotions will definitely be running high regardless.

Oh yeah, and it’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. No pressure.

Through it all I’m trying to keep the heart of the day in sight. This is the beginning of our marriage. One of those days that were meant to be savored and cherished. It is a day that requires the full presence of the spirit. I hope that when the day comes, I will be centered and peaceful enough to live it well.

Things are bad! And giving gay couples rights won’t help the budget.  So screw them!

I think perhaps what bothered me the most was that the commercial was not about the issue at stake AT ALL. It did not even try to say that giving lesbian and gay couples rights will lead to a complete breakdown of society, which is what we hear often from the right-wingers. (It’s an opinion I completely disagree with, but at least it’s a direct opinion on the issue.) No, instead it treated gay and lesbians as completely inconsequential, like their rights don’t matter because they are less-than. And these pious heterosexuals simply can’t be bothered to care about those kinds of people.

I can’t believe people like this still exist. Especially in Washington state. I mean, REALLY?!

I’m just thankful that I happen to be straight, and that no one is preventing me from marrying the person I love and receiving the legal benefits of marriage.

Approve Referendum 71. Because the world is too screwed up to prevent people from receiving equal rights.