Soon after we were married I read a marriage book written by a 30-something Christian husband and wife. I got it for cheap, and after reading it I was glad I didn’t pay more.

It seems like these Christian marriage books exist to reinforce the stereotypical dichotomy between masculine and feminine. They’re completely wrapped up in the idea of the “captivating” woman twirling in her skirt on a hilltop and the “leader” husband who must not be forced to repress his wild manhood by a feminized culture.

But what was sad about this particular book was that this couple seemed like they just could not be comfortable around each other.

One of their nuggets of gender-steeped marital advice was that husband and wife should use separate bathrooms, with one of them being the wife’s special secret place to become beautiful. This author-wife apparently wanted to maintain her feminine mystique by preventing her husband from seeing her wax her legs, pluck her brows, or (*gasp*) bleach her upper lip. Because how on earth could a marriage survive if her husband knew that sparkling like a Disney princess takes hours of ugly work?

It was clear to Matt and I right away: that was not our relationship. I am not a high maintenance woman.  I only sparkle on special occasions. But Matt thinks I’m beautiful every day.

We’re comfortable with each other, and we have a sense of humor. We have human bodies that are not always glamorous. But we’re real. And we can love each other for who we really are.

That’s not to say that we go around having farting contests and we don’t bother to look good for each other. Dressing up is an important part of keeping the relationship interesting and passionate. But you shouldn’t walk around clenching.

Relax. Embrace the ugly. Love each other for real.

I heard about this failed marriage on the radio as I readied myself for my day, and I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I stood brushing my teeth, staring into the sink and thinking: What could be so bad that you would call it quits, let your marriage go down the drain before your child is even born?

This is the second story of a marriage come to its premature end that I have heard in as many weeks.  Every time I think of them, I think: can’t they be saved? What happened to the love and commitment that was so solemnly sworn on that day that started it all?

I wonder how much they fought for their marriage. And whether they confused fighting with each other with fighting for their relationship.

I don’t think this out of judgment or condescension. I am simply sad. And worried.

What makes our marriage different? Each relationship and set of circumstances are unique, but we are all human. We can all fall down.

So Mr. Wonderful and I are getting counseling. We’re learning how to understand each other; talk to each other and really listen. We’re learning how to listen to each other’s deepest dreams, and dig down to the foundation of who we are, what we believe, what we desire.  It’s harder than I thought to unearth these things. Often it takes conflict for them to surface. But in the end, it’s making us better people. Better partners to each other.

I watched an episode of Parenthood where the father of the family learned in marriage counseling to respond to his wife by saying “I see you, and I hear you.”  Though it made for some light moments  during the show, the truth is that one of the most profound moments in marriage is when your partner can turn to you and say, in the deepest, truest way, “I see you, and I hear you.”

When you hear that, you know you’re home.

HR: Has marriage changed you?

MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love marriage,” and I said, “No, I think marriage is ridiculous; I think it’s a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being married to my wife — she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but if she ever left me, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to spend your life with one person and not be totally driven crazy.

When I read this, it makes no sense at all to me. Why would you get married if you think marriage is ridiculous? And why do you say it’s so ridiculous if you love it so much? Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, or maybe I’ve just been conditioned to accept marriage as a social norm, but I see nothing weird about marriage. Well, at least nothing that’s any weirder than anything else we do in life.

If you think about anything too long, it becomes weird. Owning pets, for example. That’s kind of weird. Having children is really weird. But they are normal parts of life. What if the conversation had gone something like this:

HR: Has having children changed you?

MD: Yeah, I think so. Somebody said to me recently, “Wow, you really love your kids ,” and I said, “No, I think my kids are ridiculous; I think having kids is a totally ridiculous idea.” I love being a father — my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, but if they ever died, I wouldn’t do it again. Because it’s crazy — to live your life for completely dependent people and not be totally driven crazy.

The thing is, it’s only ridiculous to be married or have kids if you hold independence as an ideal, or if you want no-strings-attached love.

The truth is, marriage requires a selflessness that goes against our selfish instincts. When we’re “in love,” selflessness comes easily, but once that “in love” phase fades away, we revert back to our selfish desires. This is the point in which we might start to be driven crazy.

But the fact that marriage requires us to be better people doesn’t make it ridiculous. It just makes it hard.

What do you think? Is marriage weird?

So last week, Matt decided to sit down and start tackling the taxes. I know him well enough to understand the rules of survival in a situation such as this.

1. Limit communication. A simple “How’s it going?” may illicit violent responses that are likewise ambiguous, such as fire-breathing and self-flagellating. Silence is best.
2. Do not venture within 10 feet of the Work Area. And, if you do cross the boundary, offer a simple, silent gesture of affection. A kiss on the cheek, slight tousling of the hair, or a pat on the back. Then, nonchalantly exit the Work Area.
3. When not in the Work Area, engage in a quiet activity, such as reading. Make sure it is not a funny book, lest you laugh out loud. But don’t read anything morose, either, or the gray cloud suspended above the work area will expand into the Living Area, threatening a dour downpour that will ruin the evening for everyone.
4. Ignore all grunting, moaning, and occasional expletives. They are a natural part of the process.
5. If at all possible, slip into another room.

Somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00 I, slipped into the Sleep Area and tucked myself in for a good night’s rest. The dogs followed suit and, after their routine circling and fluffing, settled into their beds with a sigh.

I was lost in dreamland when I heard my husband faintly call my name. I felt his hand at my knee, gently shaking me awake.

I opened my eyes and gave him a squinty, confused stare as he asked me a tax question. My brain, still clinging to the remnants of a pleasant dream, attempted to grasp the sense of his question. I mumbled a reply and plunged my head back into my pillow as Matt walked back to the work area.

A minute passed, and I heard him trying to transmit questions from the Work Area to the Sleep Area.

It became clear to me that my husband was not aware of his rules of survival in a situation such as this:

1. When your wife is in the Sleep Area, reasons for disturbing her may include: fire, flood, medical emergency, or giving her a massage. They most definitely do NOT include strokes of genius, laundry, tomorrow’s errands, or tax filing.
2. If fire, flood, or medical emergency are to occur between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m. anywhere outside the Sleeping Area, you must handle the situation quietly and efficiently without waking your wife. Use an extinguisher, fill sandbags, go to the hospital, but DO NOT DISTURB THE SLEEP AREA.
3. Under NO circumstances is the sleeping wife to be called out of the Sleep Area between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m.

I rolled over in bed and squinted at the clock across the room. Just after midnight.

He asked me to exit the Sleep Area to travel to the Work Area. To file taxes. REALLY?

I stepped over a half-circle of paper piles on the floor and looked at something he was pointing at on the computer screen. He needed a number. On autopilot, I pulled out file and fingered through it, not making sense of anything I saw.

He needed information from me and wanted me to find it and get it for him. Now. After midnight.

“I’m so close to being done!” he said, pointing a the progress bar on the screen.

I went back to bed. Later, as we lay in bed together in the wee hours of the morning, I woke Matt, kicking and whimpering in the throes of a bad dream. In my nightmare, the government hadn’t received my taxes. They chased me, attempting to kidnap and enslave me, or just kill me outright.

Husbands, DO NOT DISTURB THE SLEEP AREA. Especially for taxes.

]]> http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/03/rules-for-tax-time/feed/ 0 http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/03/monththree/ http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/03/monththree/#comments Tue, 09 Mar 2010 03:08:33 +0000 MrsWonderful http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/?p=390 Continue reading →]]> How could we read a dozen marriage books and not include this one? If you were breathing in the 90′s, you’ve heard of this book.

The only reason I did not react to this book with vehement hostility is because I have grown up hearing my parents refer to principles in this book, so I know that it is sometimes applicable. This prevented me from throwing the book across the room every time Gray talked about cave-dwelling Martians with their stupid telescopes spying on the beautiful, but needy Venusians.

I have a general distaste for any philosophy that is based on the differences between men and women. Mainly because I think we generally have more in common than we think, and because it’s possible to discuss communication differences without ascribing them to gender.

When authors try to ascribe certain behaviors to gender, they lose credibility with me. Because what if you say, for example, that Irene likes apples because women like apples, and men like oranges. Then Roger comes along and he likes apples and not oranges? What does that mean for Roger? You can’t say that he likes apples because he’s a woman–he’s not. And you can’t say that he’ll like oranges because he’s a man, because he doesn’t like oranges. So how does your gender argument work now? Wouldn’t it be more useful to simply say that some people like apples and some people like oranges, and some people like both or neither? That’s a truer statement.

In our case, I think Mr. Wonderful and I have some serious apples.

As I read about Gray’s theories that men retreat into their caves and act like rubber bands and such, I kept thinking: Matt is not like this at all. When Matt is under stress or has a problem to solve, he doesn’t become silent and retreat to his cave and come back later. Just the opposite: if there’s something going through his head, I’m going to hear all about it.

In fact, one of the most difficult parts of our relationship was before we were married and we weren’t able to spend as much time together, so most of the time our conversations took place over the phone after he got off work. Inevitably, he had gotten off work late and went straight from “Hello” to telling me all about the stress and frustration of his day. I ended up exhausted and a little depressed after hearing him vent, because there was nothing I could do to help. But I learned that he needed to be able to talk about it to de-stress. I was the only one he felt like he could talk about his troubles with, and he needed my listening ear. Today I’ve gotten more used to just being a sounding board and not taking his venting so personally. And I know that if he’s upset, I just need to get him to talk and eventually he’ll feel better. That not necessarily Venusian, it’s just his communication style.

Overall, if you can see past the gender-specific references in the book, there are some helpful nuggets in there. Matt and I found some of what Gray has to say in the section on motivating the opposite sex helpful. And I hardly disagree with Gray’s suggestions on how to “score points” with women. In general, it’s a book worth giving a shot. Take what you can use, leave the rest.

We don’t fight like most couples. In fact, I even hesitate to call it fighting. We don’t really yell at each other. Instead of fiery anger, our fights are characterized by heavy disappointment. Don’t underestimate how damaging disappointment can be. It’s quieter, but it burrows itself in your heart and settles there. Then it stakes in a big “No Trespassing” sign that keeps even loved ones at a distance.

Fighting with Matt is unlike any kind of fighting I’ve ever experienced. Even when I’m disappointed in him, or when I feel hurt, I want to air my grievances, but I don’t want him to become angry at himself and be miserable. I simply want him to understand, feel remorse for his part, and move forward. I don’t want to dwell.

We are one. What hurts me hurts him, and vice versa. Last weekend I felt hurt, but seeing Matt beat himself up for his behavior only made my heart ache more. Him dwelling on his mistake would not heal my hurt. I only needed apology and reassurance of his love to heal.

They say that marriage is supposed to bring you closer to God. In our fighting over the weekend, something of the nature of God was revealed to me.

When I fall short of the goodness of God, when I disappoint Him and sin against Him, He is hurt, but He doesn’t want me to wallow in despair at what a weak, horrible person I am. Jesus loves his people, and He wants to see them vibrant and full of the life He gave them, not mired in self-hatred. All we can do, and all He expects, is to feel remorse, apologize, and move forward.

Dwelling does not help or heal anyone. Love moves forward.

Every morning I wake up to the sound of the radio and look across the pillow to see  my husband’s peaceful profile. I throw an arm and a leg over him and we look at each other and break out into giggles.

The alarm is set to go off a full 45 minutes before we actually have to get up. We spend that time waking up slowly, basking in each other’s presence before we have to face the day. We chuckle at the morning show on the radio, share our bizarre dreams, or just lazily lie in each other’s arms. These moments are sacred to me. Every morning, I rediscover the joy of being with my husband. It as though past and future do not exist, and all that matters is this present waking moment when I can look into the eyes of the man I love.

I found my lifelong best friend that July day when we met. My heart is at home with him. I don’t know if I believe in soul mates, but Matt is the closest to being my soul mate I could ever imagine.

I feel supremely blessed to be with my husband. He makes my heart happy.

In general, marital satisfaction starts out high at the wedding, then steadily declines, reaching its lowest point at right about the middle of the couple’s life together: when they have teenagers. Most couples experiencing problems during their kids’ teen years decide to stick it out until the kids are out of the house, and divorce as soon as their kids are off to college. But what’s so tragic about this is that it’s at just about the time when some couples divorce that marital satisfaction generally begins to increase.

From the middle point onward, marital satisfaction keeps increasing, and at the end of life, marital satisfaction is higher than it was on the wedding day.

Les Parrott illustrated why satisfaction is higher by telling a story about a river rafting trip. He and some buddies decided to go river rafting, and didn’t know a thing about it. When surveying their trip options, they chose a trip that included a free barbecue dinner. It wasn’t until they strapped on their helmets that they realized they had chosen one of the most difficult, dangerous trips listed. Throughout the remainder of the trip, as they were plunged underwater and avoided deathly collision with the jagged rocks, all he could think about was getting back to shore. If he could have jumped out of the raft, climbed ashore, and called it quits, he would have. But they were in the middle of the wilderness and that was not an option, so down the river he went.

At the end of the trip, they were fed the barbecue dinner as advertised. After the main course, they gathered around the campfire for–you guessed it–S’MORES! S’mores are scrumptious anytime, but you can imagine how magical they would taste after such a harrowing experience. I think I would be face-down thanking the Lord above!

Sticking through the tough times, trusting the journey, can make the reward at the end feel that much more… well, rewarding.

I know couples get divorced for all sorts of reasons and at all stages of life, but knowing that it’s normal for marital satisfaction to dip and rise depending on life stage will hopefully provide us with some incentive to hang on when the waters get choppy.

]]> http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/dont-divorce-before-you-get-to-the-smores/feed/ 0 http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/sharing-withholds/ http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/sharing-withholds/#comments Wed, 27 Jan 2010 05:47:49 +0000 MrsWonderful http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/?p=325 Continue reading →]]> Let me just start this post by saying that just the word “withhold” makes me uncomfortable.

Why? Because it has two h’s next to each other. What kind of word has two h’s next to each other?

I think this is the closest I come to understanding homophobes.

Moving on…

“Sharing Withholds” is an exercise the Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott introduced to us at the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar. The purpose of the exercise is to increase communication and allow your partner access to thoughts that you have had about him or her in the last 48 hours, but have not shared. These thoughts may be positive or negative, but the exercise works best when you balance any negative withholds with positive ones.

Here’s how to share withholds:

1. Partner 1 asks Partner 2 if he/she would like to share withholds. If it’s a good time, Partner 2 agrees.
2. Partner 1 begins by sharing a positive thought regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
3. Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
4. Partner 1 shares a concern or frustration regarding Partner 2 that he/she has had in the last 48 hours.
5. Partner 2 listens attentively to the thought that had been withheld and says “Thank you.”
6. Repeat steps 1-5 for Partner 2.
7. Neither partner responds to what their partner has shared (except to say “Thank you”) for 30 minutes after the withhold. If the partners would like to discuss their withholds further after the 30 minutes, they may.

So what does that really look like?

Here’s how Matt and I might share withholds:

Amber: Matt, would you like to share withholds?

Matt: Sure.

Amber: I really appreciate you cooking dinner last night. It was delicious and I enjoyed being able to read while you cooked.

Matt: Thank you.

Amber: I wish you wouldn’t leave your shoes in the middle of the doorway. I tripped on them this morning and almost fell.

Matt: Thank you. I really appreciated you doing the laundry yesterday. I told you I would do it, but it was nice to have it done when I got home.

Amber: Thank you.

Matt: There was some of your hair in the sink this morning. I wish you would clean it out when you’re done in the bathroom.

Amber: Thank you.

THE END.

That was a pretty tame example, but you can see how the structure of this exercise is useful for bringing up more controversial topics. The thirty-minute rule provides the person sharing the withhold with a sense of emotional safety; he or she knows the concern will not be attacked. The time also provides time for tempers to cool, deflecting the immediate self-defense response. After thirty minutes, both parties are in a better position to hold a productive discussion.

This exercise is something I’m glad Matt and I have in our marriage toolkit. There are a lot of times when I think something nice about Matt, but am unable to share it at the moment I think it. And there are times, too, when I may want to bring up something not-so-nice, but I’m not quite sure how or when to do it. I know that Matt feels the same, and I want him to have the opportunity to share what’s on his mind with me .

What do you think about sharing withholds? You don’t have to do it with your husband/wife, either. It works equally well with family members, or even roommates. I dare you to try it and tell me the results!

]]> http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/sharing-withholds/feed/ 1 http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/exposing-unspoken-rules-and-unconscious-roles-in-marriage/ http://www.mrandmrswonderful.com/2010/01/exposing-unspoken-rules-and-unconscious-roles-in-marriage/#comments Tue, 26 Jan 2010 02:59:03 +0000 MrsWonderful http://www.amberlinedesign.com/mrandmrswonderful/?p=317 Continue reading →]]> Yes, we finally made it to the marriage seminar, and now we will never have marital problems.

Not.

But hopefully we’ll have less.

Truthfully, we learned a lot. Les and Leslie Parrott not only spoke about general relationship dynamics and personality traits, they gave examples of concrete exercises couples could use to strengthen communication and understanding. We’ll share more about what we learned in detail, but let’s concentrate on one thing at a time.

The Parrotts kicked off the “Becoming Soul Mates” seminar by dispelling the common myths about marriage.

The number one marriage myth that couples believe going into marriage is “We expect the same things.” The Parrott’s explained that in every marriage, couples enter the relationship with unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are your assumed “code of conduct.” If your spouse were to violate an unspoken rule, your reaction would be “We don’t do it that way.” Unconscious roles are the expectations husbands and wives place on each other’s behavior, based on their idea of what a husband or wife should do. If a wife doesn’t perform the duties a husband expects, it can leave him feeling unloved (and vice versa).

The tricky thing about unspoken rules and unconscious roles is that it’s almost impossible to know what they are until they are violated. And when they are violated, we usually have a very strong reaction, because they are deeply rooted in family tradition.

For example, what happens when you marry someone who adamantly believes the Christmas tree should be adorned with white lights, while you consider it sacrilege to have a tree that isn’t strung with colored lights? Or what happens when you grew up in a home with a handyman father, and suddenly you’re living with a man who doesn’t know the difference between a flat and a Phillips head screwdriver? (Ok, I’m not sure a man like that really exists, but what if?)

These issues may seem small to an outsider, but to someone who has deeply-rooted expectations for their partner’s behavior, these trespasses are upsetting.

Of course, it’s hard to consciously think of expectations that rest in the subconscious, but I don’t think Matt and I have many unspoken rules or subconscious roles. For the most part, we take each other as we are and try not to project expectations based on family history. We want to find what works for us.

But there are certainly some unspoken rules that have been revealed.

Such as the “passenger is co-pilot” rule. When driving somewhere I’ve never been, or when lost, I expect Matt to be able to keep an eye out for signs, read a map, locate where we are and where we’re going, and give timely directions. I try not to need the help, but it puts me at ease to know that if something were to happen, I’ve got a partner by my side who is aware and can help me solve problems. This concern never crossed Matt’s mind, however. He’s happy to spend the length of the trip in conversation, and doesn’t think about whether we missed our exit or were supposed to turn right or left. He rests that responsibility in my hands and pays attention to me instead of the road.

I vaguely remember a car ride when I was lost and exasperated and told Matt (nicely, I’m sure ) that I needed him to pay attention and help me. He apologized and said he guessed he was just more concerned about talking to me. It was then that I realized he wasn’t being neglectful, he just didn’t know what I expected of him. He was being attentive, just not in the way that I needed at the time. Although I was still stressed because we were lost, my frustration with him dissipated when I realized that I have what a lot of women want: a man who wants to communicate with me.

I’m sure we’ll encounter more unspoken rules and unconscious roles as our marriage progresses, but hopefully we’ll be able to recognize them, discuss them, and respect each other’s needs and differences.