Newlyweds seek the secrets of successful marriage.
Starting our journey…
Everyone goes into marriage with the best intentions, so why doesn't it always work out? In our first year of marriage, we are intentionally seeking ways to make our marriage last a lifetime.
I am going to propose that the Seattle Public Library system be re-named the Seattle Book and Media Lending Lottery.
Before I moved to Seattle, I had never given the library system much thought. Which, I think, is the sign of a sufficiently functioning system. If there was a book or movie I wanted, I could go to my local branch and find it, or simply look it up in the catalog, have it sent to my local branch, and enjoy. Heck, I could even renew materials if I needed to, and have them for weeks, even months on end. Free of charge!
At my first visit to the Seattle Public Library’s online catalog, however, I was confronted with a simple fact and its repercussions: Seattleites read. A brief search through the library’s catalog reveals that there is a waiting list a mile long for practically any item. Upon discovering this, I was as indignant as a tourist slapped in the face with a fish at Pike Place. So Seattleites read. Can’t they accommodate by getting more books? But apparently the budget is in crisis or something. Bah!
So startled was I by the unavailability of library materials that I actually did a live chat with a librarian. (How nice of them to provide a convenient chat box in the catalog so I can complain!)
Me: Surely these hold numbers are not correct. Can there really be 1,593 holds on a movie that hasn’t been released to DVD yet?
Librarian: Yes.
Me: Ok. Well.
I decided to place a hold on something and just see how long it took to get the item. I still haven’t gotten it. But I’m getting closer! Only 1,023 patrons before me!
I will not be deterred. I have actually gotten my hands on some library items in reasonable time, and I continue to place holds on items that I want. In fact, I immediately place a hold on something that I even think I might want, as I can always cancel the hold later. And just think how happy the person behind me in the queue will be when they see they have moved up! I bet it will make their day. Won’t that be great?
Actually, I do keep an eye on the status of my holds, checking the numbers like an anxious gambler clutching a crumpled lotto ticket. I think the library, as long as they are resigned to the current lending situation, could at least make the queue experience more fun by treating it like a game. Now, library holdings are not something to be taken lightly. It’s serious business, I know. But wouldn’t it be more fun if it seemed a little more competitive?
Patrons jockeying for better hold queue positions could sign up for notifications when they reach certain milestones.
Congratulations, you just moved up 12 queue positions!
Or perhaps…
Good news! You will receive this item 23.4 times faster than patron number 592!
And when your item finally becomes available, they could send you an e-card with confetti and music that says
Your wait is over!
Hooray for you!
Maybe if they did that, it would justify the sense of accomplishment I get when I see that I am number 21 in the queue and some poor soul is at the end of the line, number 573.
Booyah!
Now off to the library to pick up a book that just became available. (Mrs. Wonderful FTW!)
How could we read a dozen marriage books and not include this one? If you were breathing in the 90′s, you’ve heard of this book.
The only reason I did not react to this book with vehement hostility is because I have grown up hearing my parents refer to principles in this book, so I know that it is sometimes applicable. This prevented me from throwing the book across the room every time Gray talked about cave-dwelling Martians with their stupid telescopes spying on the beautiful, but needy Venusians.
I have a general distaste for any philosophy that is based on the differences between men and women. Mainly because I think we generally have more in common than we think, and because it’s possible to discuss communication differences without ascribing them to gender.
When authors try to ascribe certain behaviors to gender, they lose credibility with me. Because what if you say, for example, that Irene likes apples because women like apples, and men like oranges. Then Roger comes along and he likes apples and not oranges? What does that mean for Roger? You can’t say that he likes apples because he’s a woman–he’s not. And you can’t say that he’ll like oranges because he’s a man, because he doesn’t like oranges. So how does your gender argument work now? Wouldn’t it be more useful to simply say that some people like apples and some people like oranges, and some people like both or neither? That’s a truer statement.
In our case, I think Mr. Wonderful and I have some serious apples.
As I read about Gray’s theories that men retreat into their caves and act like rubber bands and such, I kept thinking: Matt is not like this at all. When Matt is under stress or has a problem to solve, he doesn’t become silent and retreat to his cave and come back later. Just the opposite: if there’s something going through his head, I’m going to hear all about it.
In fact, one of the most difficult parts of our relationship was before we were married and we weren’t able to spend as much time together, so most of the time our conversations took place over the phone after he got off work. Inevitably, he had gotten off work late and went straight from “Hello” to telling me all about the stress and frustration of his day. I ended up exhausted and a little depressed after hearing him vent, because there was nothing I could do to help. But I learned that he needed to be able to talk about it to de-stress. I was the only one he felt like he could talk about his troubles with, and he needed my listening ear. Today I’ve gotten more used to just being a sounding board and not taking his venting so personally. And I know that if he’s upset, I just need to get him to talk and eventually he’ll feel better. That not necessarily Venusian, it’s just his communication style.
Overall, if you can see past the gender-specific references in the book, there are some helpful nuggets in there. Matt and I found some of what Gray has to say in the section on motivating the opposite sex helpful. And I hardly disagree with Gray’s suggestions on how to “score points” with women. In general, it’s a book worth giving a shot. Take what you can use, leave the rest.
There’s nothing quite like witnessing a dysfunctional couple to make you happy for what you have.
Last night Matt and I snuggled up with each other and watched “The Break-up,” starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Throughout the movie, we turned to each other and emphatically uttered “I love you.”
As indicated by the title, the movie follows the break-up of Brooke (Aniston) and Gary (Vaughn). Their falling out is complicated by the mortgage they share on the condo neither of them could afford alone, but neither wants to give up. Their real estate dilemma leads to a prolonged nasty break-up, intensified by close quarters. The result is an anti-rom-com. From start to finish, we were waiting for Brooke to finally give up on Gary and become a liberated single.
I couldn’t help but recall what Matt and I read in “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. We just finished the book, so it immediately came to mind as we watched the movie.
In the scene leading up to Brooke breaking up with Gary, we learn that he’s even more of a prick than we have gathered from the film up to this point. She recounts clueless Gary’s every failure, and Matt and I tried to guess her love language. But it was impossible to know, because it sounded like Gary was failing to speak several love languages. Even when she explicitly asked, he never helped with dishes or cleaning the condo (service), took her to the ballet (quality time), or gave her flowers (gifts). I don’t recall him giving her words of affirmation, either. Which only leaves one love language: physical touch. Although during the fight he alludes to a recent sexual encounter, they were at least ten feet apart for most of the preceding on-screen time.
Gary doesn’t understand that when Brooke is asking for help with the dishes, a night at the ballet, and flowers, she’s really asking for love. Gary may have feelings for Brooke, but he never shows her love. His every action is motivated by his desires alone. He doesn’t realize his own inability to love until an honest friend bluntly (and refreshingly) reveals his character flaw to him.
On the other hand, all of Brooke’s actions are motivated by her desires to give and receive love. Dr. Chapman explains in his book that everyone has an emotional “love tank” that needs to be filled in order for the person to live a healthy, fulfilled life. When Brooke breaks up with Gary, she feels so unloved that her love tank is running on empty. In a frenzied attempt to inspire some gratitude and love from Gary and start refilling her love tank, Brooke becomes the opposite of a loving girlfriend. Predictably, her actions only elicit resentment and revenge.
At the end of the film, after Gary has had his revelation and prepared a nice dinner for Brooke in a last-ditch effort to redeem their relationship, Brooke tells Gary, “I don’t have any love left to give.” She finally realized her love tank is empty.
Watching this movie, though frustrating and annoying, did drive home the messages Matt and I have been learning about marriage from our studies. Here are the main ones that came up in this movie:
Speak your spouse’s “love language” and keep their “love tank” full
Anger and fighting are often a result of an unmet need. Create a safe space for your spouse to share that need and do your best to meet it.
When Mr. Wonderful and I began selecting marriage books to read in our first year of marriage, we didn’t have many scruples about what books we would select. We just went to Amazon.com and picked a selection of some of the most popular marriage books. If we had put more thought into the process, we probably wouldn’t have chosen to read “The First 90 Days of Marriage” by Eric and Leslie Ludy.
Our first clue would have been that the authors have no credentials other than the fact that they are “authors, international speakers, and recording artists.” Woop-de-do. Someone has paid them to speak their mind. What gives them the authority to write a book giving marriage advice?
There’s nothing quite like witnessing a dysfunctional couple to make you happy for what you have.