This year, Matt and I are filing taxes together for the first time. What fun!

So last week, Matt decided to sit down and start tackling the taxes. I know him well enough to understand the rules of survival in a situation such as this.

1. Limit communication. A simple “How’s it going?” may illicit violent responses that are likewise ambiguous, such as fire-breathing and self-flagellating. Silence is best.
2. Do not venture within 10 feet of the Work Area. And, if you do cross the boundary, offer a simple, silent gesture of affection. A kiss on the cheek, slight tousling of the hair, or a pat on the back. Then, nonchalantly exit the Work Area.
3. When not in the Work Area, engage in a quiet activity, such as reading. Make sure it is not a funny book, lest you laugh out loud. But don’t read anything morose, either, or the gray cloud suspended above the work area will expand into the Living Area, threatening a dour downpour that will ruin the evening for everyone.
4. Ignore all grunting, moaning, and occasional expletives. They are a natural part of the process.
5. If at all possible, slip into another room.

Somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00 I, slipped into the Sleep Area and tucked myself in for a good night’s rest. The dogs followed suit and, after their routine circling and fluffing, settled into their beds with a sigh.

I was lost in dreamland when I heard my husband faintly call my name. I felt his hand at my knee, gently shaking me awake.

I opened my eyes and gave him a squinty, confused stare as he asked me a tax question. My brain, still clinging to the remnants of a pleasant dream, attempted to grasp the sense of his question. I mumbled a reply and plunged my head back into my pillow as Matt walked back to the work area.

A minute passed, and I heard him trying to transmit questions from the Work Area to the Sleep Area.

It became clear to me that my husband was not aware of his rules of survival in a situation such as this:

1. When your wife is in the Sleep Area, reasons for disturbing her may include: fire, flood, medical emergency, or giving her a massage. They most definitely do NOT include strokes of genius, laundry, tomorrow’s errands, or tax filing.
2. If fire, flood, or medical emergency are to occur between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m. anywhere outside the Sleeping Area, you must handle the situation quietly and efficiently without waking your wife. Use an extinguisher, fill sandbags, go to the hospital, but DO NOT DISTURB THE SLEEP AREA.
3. Under NO circumstances is the sleeping wife to be called out of the Sleep Area between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m.

I rolled over in bed and squinted at the clock across the room. Just after midnight.

He asked me to exit the Sleep Area to travel to the Work Area. To file taxes. REALLY?

I stepped over a half-circle of paper piles on the floor and looked at something he was pointing at on the computer screen. He needed a number. On autopilot, I pulled out file and fingered through it, not making sense of anything I saw.

He needed information from me and wanted me to find it and get it for him. Now. After midnight.

“I’m so close to being done!” he said, pointing a the progress bar on the screen.

I went back to bed. Later, as we lay in bed together in the wee hours of the morning, I woke Matt, kicking and whimpering in the throes of a bad dream. In my nightmare, the government hadn’t received my taxes. They chased me, attempting to kidnap and enslave me, or just kill me outright.

Husbands, DO NOT DISTURB THE SLEEP AREA. Especially for taxes.