How could we read a dozen marriage books and not include this one? If you were breathing in the 90′s, you’ve heard of this book.
The only reason I did not react to this book with vehement hostility is because I have grown up hearing my parents refer to principles in this book, so I know that it is sometimes applicable. This prevented me from throwing the book across the room every time Gray talked about cave-dwelling Martians with their stupid telescopes spying on the beautiful, but needy Venusians.
I have a general distaste for any philosophy that is based on the differences between men and women. Mainly because I think we generally have more in common than we think, and because it’s possible to discuss communication differences without ascribing them to gender.
When authors try to ascribe certain behaviors to gender, they lose credibility with me. Because what if you say, for example, that Irene likes apples because women like apples, and men like oranges. Then Roger comes along and he likes apples and not oranges? What does that mean for Roger? You can’t say that he likes apples because he’s a woman–he’s not. And you can’t say that he’ll like oranges because he’s a man, because he doesn’t like oranges. So how does your gender argument work now? Wouldn’t it be more useful to simply say that some people like apples and some people like oranges, and some people like both or neither? That’s a truer statement.
In our case, I think Mr. Wonderful and I have some serious apples.
As I read about Gray’s theories that men retreat into their caves and act like rubber bands and such, I kept thinking: Matt is not like this at all. When Matt is under stress or has a problem to solve, he doesn’t become silent and retreat to his cave and come back later. Just the opposite: if there’s something going through his head, I’m going to hear all about it.
In fact, one of the most difficult parts of our relationship was before we were married and we weren’t able to spend as much time together, so most of the time our conversations took place over the phone after he got off work. Inevitably, he had gotten off work late and went straight from “Hello” to telling me all about the stress and frustration of his day. I ended up exhausted and a little depressed after hearing him vent, because there was nothing I could do to help. But I learned that he needed to be able to talk about it to de-stress. I was the only one he felt like he could talk about his troubles with, and he needed my listening ear. Today I’ve gotten more used to just being a sounding board and not taking his venting so personally. And I know that if he’s upset, I just need to get him to talk and eventually he’ll feel better. That not necessarily Venusian, it’s just his communication style.
Overall, if you can see past the gender-specific references in the book, there are some helpful nuggets in there. Matt and I found some of what Gray has to say in the section on motivating the opposite sex helpful. And I hardly disagree with Gray’s suggestions on how to “score points” with women. In general, it’s a book worth giving a shot. Take what you can use, leave the rest.