Mr. Wonderful and I don’t fight very often, but when we do, it’s tough.

We don’t fight like most couples. In fact, I even hesitate to call it fighting. We don’t really yell at each other. Instead of fiery anger, our fights are characterized by heavy disappointment. Don’t underestimate how damaging disappointment can be. It’s quieter, but it burrows itself in your heart and settles there. Then it stakes in a big “No Trespassing” sign that keeps even loved ones at a distance.

Fighting with Matt is unlike any kind of fighting I’ve ever experienced. Even when I’m disappointed in him, or when I feel hurt, I want to air my grievances, but I don’t want him to become angry at himself and be miserable. I simply want him to understand, feel remorse for his part, and move forward. I don’t want to dwell.

We are one. What hurts me hurts him, and vice versa. Last weekend I felt hurt, but seeing Matt beat himself up for his behavior only made my heart ache more. Him dwelling on his mistake would not heal my hurt. I only needed apology and reassurance of his love to heal.

They say that marriage is supposed to bring you closer to God. In our fighting over the weekend, something of the nature of God was revealed to me.

When I fall short of the goodness of God, when I disappoint Him and sin against Him, He is hurt, but He doesn’t want me to wallow in despair at what a weak, horrible person I am. Jesus loves his people, and He wants to see them vibrant and full of the life He gave them, not mired in self-hatred. All we can do, and all He expects, is to feel remorse, apologize, and move forward.

Dwelling does not help or heal anyone. Love moves forward.