When Mr. Wonderful and I began selecting marriage books to read in our first year of marriage, we didn’t have many scruples about what books we would select. We just went to Amazon.com and picked a selection of some of the most popular marriage books. If we had put more thought into the process, we probably wouldn’t have chosen to read “The First 90 Days of Marriage” by Eric and Leslie Ludy.

Our first clue would have been that the authors have no credentials other than the fact that they are “authors, international speakers, and recording artists.” Woop-de-do. Someone has paid them to speak their mind. What gives them the authority to write a book giving marriage advice?

Their lack of credentials became clear as we read the book and realized that they only referenced their own marriage when they gave examples (unless it was to harp on other couples’ failings). This is a book about their marriage (and how it is so much better than that of their friends and fellow church-goers).  This became a rather aggravating feature of the book for Matt and I, because we are very different from the Ludys. We simply could not relate to them, and could find no credible reason why we should listen to them.

The foundational principles of the book are good. Marriage should be about more than trying not to get a divorce. Being like Christ will improve your marriage. Marriage requires diligence, commitment, and selflessness. We don’t argue with that.

I think the problem lies in the fact that they take their own experience and turn it into a prescription for other couples. The Ludys believe that “God wrote their love story,” and because they did everything as God would want them to, other couples should do it that way as well. In the Ludys’ worldview, there is little to no wiggle room for individuality or deviations from the Ludys principles. They are following God, therefore they must have THE right way of doing things.

Try as we might, we just couldn’t relate to the authors.  And we get the feeling that they would think we are barbarians. They’re so concerned with maintaining “dignity” and the “feminine mystique” in marriage, that this couple even has separate bathrooms, and recommends that for other couples! They believe God frowns upon you when you fart or burp in front of your partner. Also, you should keep yourself looking good for your partner at all times, so that they always get the best of you.

Matt and I don’t operate that way.  We believe a couple who can burp, fart, scratch and (gasp!) even pee in front of each other while maintaining steadfast love and respect for one another has much deeper intimacy than a couple who cannot. We’re not slovenly, but we’re not afraid to embrace each other’s humanness. Of course, I’m not going to say that couples should go out of their way to do these things in front of their spouses. But if you’re going to commit to living with someone for the rest of your life, you should be allowed the freedom to have natural unguarded moments without fear of judgment or resentment from your spouse.

The book was also disappointing because the title belied the content. Though they titled the book after a specific period of time, and even had a calendar on the cover, there was only one paragraph that related to the specific number of days in the title. It simply explained that 90 days was a formative period of time. There was no schematic for how to navigate the days, weeks, months. No day-by-day devotional. No week-by-week theme. It is as though they were just searching for a title that hadn’t been used before, and they thought that sounded good enough.

Overall, Matt and I were disappointed with the book, and didn’t feel like we got anything out of it. It’s not that the book didn’t have anything to say that we didn’t agree with, it’s just that the things it did say were so obvious that they made no impact.

We’ve already started reading next month’s book, and it’s a breath of fresh air. We’re reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, and it’s WONDERFUL.