It’s unfortunate that we started with this book. I probably should have just stopped reading after the first few chapters. But I read the whole thing. Matt, at this point, has read half of it and that’s as far as he will go.
Our first clue that this book would be, to put it kindly, disappointing, should have been that the authors have no credentials other than the fact that they are authors, speakers, and recording artists. Their bio says nothing about their education, much less any marriage counseling experience. And for all of their Christianese, they aren’t even pastors. They simply work hard to be able to say whatever it is that they want.
With this dearth of experience and study to call upon, it’s not surprising that the only examples and evidence in their marriage book center around themselves and their experiences. So, if you’re like Eric and Leslie Ludy, this book is for you. But I would venture to guess that most people are not like them. Unless you went to Bible college and live in the Midwest or South, then… maybe.
The foundational principles of the book are good. You need to work to have an excellent marriage. You should shoot for more than “Let’s try not to get a divorce.” Being more Christlike will improve your marriage. But Mr. Wonderful and I are not your ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping brand of Christian, and we have some personality differences with the Ludys that make it difficult for us to relate to them and find value in their advice.
For example, the Ludys are all about maintaining “dignity” the “feminine mystique” in marriage. Therefore, natural body functions are to be kept in check at all times. God actually frowns upon you when you pee in front of your partner. Heaven forbid you fart. A belch should not be assigned a number. And–I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU WITH THIS–husband and wife should have separate bathrooms if at all possible, so that the wife can turn the master bathroom into a “Beauty Palace” like Leslie’s. Seeing your wife shave her legs ruins the “mystique,” I suppose.
In short, the Ludys think we’re barbarians.
Now, I can understand if you lived with a person you had little to no respect for, or you couldn’t have meaningful conversation with, or didn’t contribute to the relationship, that them walking around burping, farting, and scratching would put a major damper on the marriage. But the problem still wouldn’t lie with the burping, farting, and scratching, but with the deeper issues at play.
Matt and I have different expectations for marital intimacy than the Ludys, and, yes, it includes being able to burp, fart, scratch, and even (Gasp!) pee in front of each other. Instead of cursing nature and these wretched, dirty bodies we’ve been given, we embrace each other’s humanness, even when it’s not pretty. There is beauty in that. Because I know that even when I first wake up in the morning and my breath smells and my eyes are puffy and my hair is a mess, my Mr. Wonderful thinks I’m beautiful. Even if I’m wearing sweats and no make-up, he finds me attractive. He is able to cherish me when I am undignified, and I him. The “feminine mystique” is not necessary to sustain his love.
The Ludys, like most conservative Christians, are also eager to attempt to delineate the differences between the sexes. Matt and I didn’t find any of this differentiation useful, as I am not like Leslie, and he is not like Eric. They talk a lot about their ideas of “masculine nobility” and “feminine dignity” (as if only men can be noble, and only women dignified), which in the end is a waste of time, because both sexes are supposed to emulate Christ, who was ONE person, not two. Are we to split Christ in half? These qualities for women, those for men? I have never understood why religious groups find it so important to focus on the differences between the sexes and prescribe God-approved gender expression. In the end it is all babble, because people of both sexes have more commonalities than differences.
Ultimately, we got the feeling that the Ludys would hate us, because our story is nothing like theirs. They believe that they have done everything God’s way, and therefore if you do anything differently than them, you’re not doing it right. But Matt and I believe that God has been a part of our love story, too, and He doesn’t frown when we let our guard down around each other. He doesn’t require that we conform to anyone’s ideas of femininity or masculinity. He made us as we are, and he made us right for each other.
Because of this book, Matt and I decided to scrap the list that we had made of books we will read throughout the year. We want to be free to move on to books that are more helpful, not be tied to a list. So we’re looking for more marriage books. If you have any lying around that you don’t want or need anymore, we’d love it if you passed them along to us!
Do you have any marriage book recommendations? What should we read next?